I would venture to guess that 6 out of 10 rude comments from strangers and distant acquaintances alike, are not meant to be as rude as they sound/are. They just couldn’t think of something relevant to say. There is that other 40% though. The ones who are watching you with your pregnant belly or your three + kids and thinking all sorts of “helpful” things, concocting an encouraging word to spew your direction and then letting it fly.
During pregnancy, these were the ones I dreaded:
“Are you having twins?” This question means…”YOU’RE HUGE! There HAS to be more than one baby in there.”
“Is it a boy or a girl?” This question often came at the end of my first trimester and before I was far enough along to find out the gender. When I said “no” the intruder would wander deeper into my personal comfort zone and say, “Oh, you aren’t finding out.” I would politely explain that I would find out in another month or so, to which they would back out silently unsure of how to explain to me that I was much farther along than I thought. I was HUGE after all.
After having three boys in four years, I started getting these comments:
“We stopped at 2, it’s a lot easier when you aren’t being pulled three or four different directions.”
“I could never be a stay at home mom. I would get so bored!”
The most common one I hear as a mom, after asking how old my boys are, is: “Wow, you sure have your hands full.” It doesn’t usually come across as a “lucky you” statement either, more of a raised eye-brow, “you shouldnta done that to yourself” with a twinge of sympathy statement.
All of these comments are irritating and in many cases I want so badly to zing back with something clever and downright painful to the offender.
However, I am trying lately to remember that making someone feel bad because of what they said, doesn’t change their attitude, it only encourages their wrong thinking. They assume my backlash is due to the strain of my uncontrolled and chaotic life of mothering more than my reasonable share of children. (I only have THREE! but because they are boys and only two years apart it is assumed every room in my house has become a jungle gym…it is not so.)
So I’m trying a new tactic. One the Bible encourages.
I’m trying a gentle answer.
Now when I hear someone say, “I could never be a stay at home mom…” instead of saying “only boring people get bored.” I say, “Yes, you could do it and you would love it! I hope you give it a chance beyond maternity leave, because it’s the most exciting thing I’ve ever done.”
When I hear someone say, “You have your hands full.” Instead of saying, “Yep, it sure beats empty” I choose one of the following responses.
“Yes, my heart is too!”
“Full is a great feeling!”
“No, they are overflowing! And I love it.”
If you’ve ever read Proverbs 15 you’ve read that verse that says, in a nutshell, a gentle answer turns away wrath.
I’ve realized that a gentle answer doesn’t just keep wrath from developing in my direction from the other person. It soothes the wrath in me. A gentle answer keeps me from harboring irritations and bitterness toward judgmental or ignorant people. Hearing my own positive confession about my life, takes the anger out of me pretty quickly. I’m then free to keep enjoying what God has given me instead of fuming over what someone else thinks.
Furthermore, the stranger at the store doesn’t know me or my joy, but if I share that joy, instead of confirming their ideas of who I am and what I have gotten myself into, I am educating them and possibly even changing their minds about motherhood and families. Wouldn’t it be great if more people encouraged and participated in being family? I think so.
So the next time someone asks if you and your husband know how “that” happens, your twins are “natural”, your adoptive daughter is “real” or your home schooled kids are properly “socialized,” just remember, a gentle answer might not be as fun to say, but it will turn away wrath and we mom’s just don’t need any wrath. Our hands are too full of good things for that.
I definitely need to practice my kind responses. I usually fume over people telling me I must have my hands full. Having nice things ready to say will help me not bite my tongue off trying to keep the other responses from spilling out.
**I did have a store clerk ask me if I needed a gift receipt for a blouse I was buying. I was 7 months pregnant and the blouse was for my Mom for her birthday. WhenI explained it was a gift and a gift receipt would be great, she said,”Oh good, I thought that was just wishful thinking on your part.” Thank you for the excellent insult, I mean, customer service! ha!
When asked if I know “what causes that?” I say, “Yes and I rather enjoy it!”
I am not sure if that is quite gentle enough but it tends to send them quietly maybe even thoughtfully (hopefully not in the wrong way) away.
I’ll never forget the extremely large lady who said “girl! you got two or three babies in there?!” when I was about 15 weeks pregnant with Madison! 🙂 Even with all my wit I couldn’t retort though I had the desire to. She caught me so off guard. I suppose after having 12 years to think about it I would now respond . . . “I wish! Only one this time, but I’ll try again” Another rude stranger comment I remember was a woman who was referring to Madison as a “he” . . . “isn’t he so cute”. I gently corrected her and said she was a girl (honest mistake with a three month old who is not in pink or a dress). She responded (not directly to me but loud enough so I could hear) “you shouldn’t dress her like a boy then.” Maybe it was the adorable GAP denim ball cap I put on her that day. Guess baby girls aren’t allowed to be sporty sometimes.
I am probably one of the people who offend with “witty” comments that may be considered rude. I have never, never intended to be rude, but I suppose I may have been taken that way. On behalf of all of us mouthy rude people, I apologize, and offer this response. I never meant to insult. I admire any woman who tackles (by choice or by force) motherhood and especially home-schooling. I thought it was the most rewarding thing in the world, and God’s best plan.
Mom, I almost wrote out a long paragraph of disclaimers about how I have been guilty of this same thing. I felt it made the whole post too long, but it is true none the less. I have so often said something fruitless just to say SOMETHING. It fell out of my mouth without any of my true feelings attached. I assure you that I wasn’t thinking of you when I wrote the post. I am sure, given our relationship, that we have both given each other reason to feel offended but I KNOW that you love me, and I hope you know I love you too and those little trite things are easily forgotten.