We sang Amazing Grace in church last night. I felt that little nudge when we got to this line, “was blind but now I see.” The nudge that jerks me to attention and bids me to not just sing, but to focus. I thought I was I guess, but as I sang the words I knew God wanted to remind me of some things.
How often have I been blind? How often have I walked into a room with only my own eyes? How often have I selfishly pursued end results that would only be best for me? How often have I chastised without a full picture? How often have I foolishly dug my feet in and refused to go forward because I couldn’t see enough of what was to come? How often have I missed something beautiful because I could only see something nice.
I remember as a teenager feeling frustrated by these things. I remember praying, and in tears telling God I wish that I were actually blind. If man sees the outward appearance, maybe it would be better if I couldn’t see at all. Those late teen years can be so difficult. So many decisions to make that seem to be looming as shadows of your entire future. I was scared of all of them. Scared of seeing it wrong. I didn’t trust my eyes.
When I entered college there were so many new things. New friendships and opportunities, I had never been surrounded by so much talent and beauty and determination among people my own age. It was motivating, but it was also tempting. It was tempting to look for people to hang my star on. People who knew people, people who got attention, people who were good looking, amazingly talented, even super-spiritual. I was constantly in a battle to check my motives, reign in my desires and look for the heart that only God could see.
I realized I was already blind, and I wanted to resign my eyes to God. I needed to surrender my future to Him because my greatest fear was not failing, my greatest fear was being a fool.
When He began to open my eyes it wasn’t to a well marked path I was supposed to follow, with tongues of fire over the people I was supposed to befriend. Instead, He helped me to see His promises more clearly. The Word came alive to me and I began to walk in it. I looked for opportunity to give instead of to get and I found fulfillment in loving instead of looking for love.
My eyes, until I see His face, are still only seeing dimly the things around me. However, when I go to the Word, there is an unmatched clarity that propels me to speak with caution and listen with care, to look with heed and to see with the whispers of the Holy Spirit, to act with discretion and worship with abandon.
In this and so much more I am AMAZED at His grace.