Sometimes the road has climbs that don’t make sense. There are valleys that seem out of place considering the quest.
The wide and accommodating has always made more sense and the level and paved road is much more appealing.
I am amazed at the days, months, even years I have been asked to wait. I am sometimes sheltered and sometimes exposed. I am sometimes standing and sometimes I resign to rest. There are times I am dizzied by expectation, pockets empty, heart trying to keep up and hands lifted above the fray in hopes of offering more than what I am.
This part.
The waiting.
It’s terrifying to be passed by focused friends and brothers. It’s suffocating to be too obedient to speak. The waiting. It’s hard to be still. It’s hard to be still and silent.
Narrow and straight still beckon in whispers and I cautiously step out and onward. I thought I would arrive sooner. I thought I would be here long before now. The peak I had so longed to look from is now at my feet and I look quizzically at the fresh faces of those who sprinted in, they are stretching their limbs, panting in their exhaustion and excitement. There is refreshment waiting for them and there is joy as reunions are made. I am remembering my own expectations mirrored in their satisfied expressions.
The journey though, has changed in me. As I bow my head in peaceful gratitude I am towering over my feet and looking down has never spanned so great a chasm. There has been a great recovery. I see more than I have ever seen and I am stretched in my own observance.
I am remembering my own expectations mirrored in their satisfied expressions.
Soon I begin to notice the disturbance. There is an ever revolving door on my precipice. The runners move in and then move on. Some of them observing a legitimate call to further their journey, and some…moving because they cannot be stayed. Nothing I can do or say has any effect on their need to keep a steady and constant eye on beyond and a rhythmic step in the direction of more. It was nice here for a while and we mutually encouraged each other, but they must go.
I realize that I am still once again.
I am no longer still in waiting, I am still in my calling and I question: had I arrived sooner, how long could I have stayed?
Had I not been taught to wait, would I ever be content to be faithful in my destination?
“Let integrity and uprightness preserve me; for I wait on thee” Psalm 25:21 KJV
Ah, yes…. Waiting.
I hated the wait for our adoption. Three years is a long time to pursue a call. Three years is a long time to let doubt mess with your head, “will it ever come to pass?”
Yet, I know now the purpose in the waiting. Would we have been as broken for the fatherless, had we not had 3 years for God to draw us closer to Him and His heart? I don’t think so. It’s hard to say for sure, but I dont think we’d be walking the journey we are now.
It’s a process, for sure, but I am being taught how to wait, and it is a sweet sweet lesson, with greater intimacy with my Father as the largest reward.
There are so MANY things gained in waiting. So much to gather in the valleys. My greatest regrets are the complaints I allowed to surface while there.
These are great thoughts and well written. And I realize that waiting is good and that there is much reward in that, I still struggle knowing that there are some things that I’ve waited nearly two decades for and some things are even longer than that.
It’s easy to let disappointment take over and lead to despair. Knowing that Romans 5:3-5 says that hope does not disappoint is a comfort in knowing that God will not disappoint us but disappointment does come in a journey that seemingly never ends. As you eluded to, our own expectations disappoint us.
I guess my point is that waiting is hard. And waiting for a *really* long time is *really* hard. And I guess that I’m grumpy about it today 🙂 I’ll go have some coffee and a scone and I’ll probably be better.
Wow Amy…I was going for encouraging. I guess it didn’t have that effect on you today. 🙂
Look around though…I’ll bet you aren’t the only one who’s been waiting a *really* long time. Try to find someone with scone crumbs on their jacket. That will give it away for sure.
Love you!
Scone crumbs…haha! No, I don’t have a corner on the market of waiting for a long time. I suppose that part of the waiting process is dying to ourselves and well, dying hurts. And today I’m not too keen on it.
After I wrote my first comment, Halle climbed up into my lap and I hugged her and thought about giving birth and how painful that was (even though I had an epidural 😉 and how it didn’t matter because I love her so much. And the Lord helped me to draw the parallel between the promise given and it’s fulfillment. Once birth is given to the promise, the pain, while not forgotten, certainly doesn’t hold the same weight as it did during the birthing (or waiting) process. Yes, it’s all necessary and it’s not fun. And this is not my blog so I’ll stop typing now.
That is an awesome parallel. Which reminds me of Aron’s birth and the waiting process that turned out to be another example of perfect timing. But what agony it was waiting while I endured the thought of bleeding to death from delivering a HUGE baby. There have been a few times in life that I shook my fist at God…that was one of them. It turned out really well though, it’s a good thing He’s so forgiving. 🙂
I think at some point we all get tired of waiting but its in the waiting that our Faith and Trust in Him helps us to be still. Oh but how Isaiah 40:31 comes in and pours over us. I want to mount..I want to soar..but its in the waiting that I know He will renew my strength.
I love that verse Michelle. It strikes me that waiting is actually a choice. “They that wait upon the Lord…” would lead me to think there are others who don’t. We could move on and neglect our dreams or callings in favor of easier “fulfillment,” but those of us who choose faithfulness will finish the course with great endurance and satisfaction.
So beautifully said, Mary. In the past, I have found myself so focused on waiting for some change or new season or goal to be fulfilled that I have forgotten how much life is happening in the stillness too.
Amen Christy!