Lately a memory has been popping up that I thought I’d write down. It’s something sort of cool that happened to me several years ago, and is a lesson I continue to remind myself of when the “everyday” becomes a little too aggressive.
First of all let me say that lately things have been a little overwhelming for me. I don’t want to complain about it or sound overly dramatic because I know I have a great life. I love it. I just have blessings that need to be maintained and cared for and right now it’s a lot of work. I remember when Aron was only a month or two and I had a conversation with my friend Tisra where she asked if I was feeling overwhelmed. I really felt like I was handling things well and I didn’t feel too stressed. I thought…hmmm…maybe my perspective of being able to watch others go through the three kids thing before me has given me an advantage of realistic expectations and I am actually doing this right. Well, that was then and slowly but surely the blessings have exceeded my expectations. I’m standing in the center of the big ring with my hands full and I feel like everyone is expecting me to juggle and I don’t know how.
Now back to my memory. I really can’t remember when this happened. I could probably find it in a journal somewhere but I’m not going to take the time to look it up. I think it was the summer after Owen was born. My back had “gone out” for lack of a better term. I was literally standing crooked and had called my chiropractor to find out what to do. He said the fact that I was leaning to the left side was simply my body’s way of protecting itself. He said not to worry but to take it easy and I really didn’t even need to come in for an adjustment. I think he prescribed heat, ice and rest. I can’t remember for sure. The following Sunday I was baptized, I could explain that but that’s a whole different super long post. Because of this I was not sitting in the choir and was near the front of the church. I was determined to stand and sing during worship and not sit down just because I didn’t feel like it, I was in pain but I was more just frustrated because I knew that my problem was more emotional than physical. My back had spasms like this whenever I was overwhelmed or overloaded with things to do or think about.
That morning Pastor Davis had an alter call right after the worship time. I don’t remember specifically what he invited us down for, I think it was a general, “if you have a need” type of alter call. Regardless, I was determined to get some relief for my back. I wanted God to heal me. I remember standing there in the prayer line waiting for Pastor Davis to come my way and I prayed and as he got closer I thought…he is just quickly going from person to person and praying something general…he has no idea why I’m here. I prayed one of those quickie prayers…”God…just don’t let him say something stupid.” Yes, that’s exactly what I prayed. I remember that distinctly. When he finally got to me he paused and said…”Do you have to be perfect all the time?”
I thought…what? He must be talking to someone else.
He sort of shook me a little and asked again. “Do you have to be perfect all the time?”
I didn’t want to go into a long explanation and list of disclaimers about my personality, upbringing, expectations of a Christian girl in a small town, homesickness at 18 and how my right eye wants to close when I yawn. So I opened my eyes and said…”yes?”
He looked right at me and said, “You need to relax!” with a tone that had that parental, frustrated sound. He didn’t even pray for me that I remember, he just said that and walked away. I stood there for a second and then went back to my seat. I don’t know about you but I trust the answer I get after I pray. Even when it’s just a quickie prayer. If something happens after I’ve given a situation to God. I know He’s got it in hand and I knew that that incident was no accident. Later that week I saw Pastor Davis in the hallway and as he walked by me he said…”I don’t remember what I said to you on Sunday, but you need to pay attention to it. That doesn’t happen to me very often.” I have payed attention to it ever since. When I am feeling overwhelmed, like these past few weeks, I replay that Sunday in my head and I ask myself…is this because you have to be perfect?
The thing is…I like being perfect. I know that I’m not, and I know that everyone else knows I’m not. Yet…there is an overwhelming desire to be mistake free. Mistakes, mean I’m normal and I’ve never wanted to be normal. I want to be different and I want my differences to be good differences. Since that Sunday I’ve realized that many of the silliest issues of my past were simply mistakes I hadn’t forgiven myself for. It could be as simple as a wrong answer spoken out loud in school. I shudder at my mistakes, I don’t like what they say about me. But you know what? God isn’t looking for a perfect me! He’s just looking for ways to say He loves me. I too often push that aside and look for ways to impress Him.
And here I am again. My clown suit on and my tiny car parked right where I can make my getaway if I need to. I have all my favorite things, everything I love and hold dear pressed tightly to my chest, but I’m losing my grip on one thing and then another and the whole world is out there chanting for me to juggle. For a while I listen and toss one thing up, and then another, and then another and I’m almost able to catch and toss at the same time. But sooner or later something falls and it hurts. I can’t do it…I’ve never learned to juggle and these things are too important to learn on. Finally it hits me…maybe these three rings aren’t made for me to entertain in. Maybe I’m not here to perform. Maybe, just maybe, I’m supposed to hand this show off to someone else.
Slowly but surely I’m learning to relax. I can say honestly that my back has not had a spasm like that since that Sunday long ago. I have learned enough about my limitations to have achieved that. But I feel the reminders, the edge creeps up on me often and I would like to live a little further from the line. I’m realizing too that God cannot continue to hand me blessings if I won’t let go of them. If I continue trying to hold on to what He’s given me I will surely drop something important. And juggling is not a good option…it’s highly overrated…it’s a temporary solution. Just as Hannah gave Samuel back to God, so must I return the husband, the kids, the house, the talents, the dreams and the really cute shoes I got last week. Just think what God could do with my favorite things if I gave him the props and the spotlight. He might just decide to give me more.
this is a great lesson and you tell it in such a colorful picturesque way – all the more reason why you need to write a book and share your life with women who need this. but you can do it later – after the little stressors have grown up some!
I really enjoyed reading this one, Mary. I know the pressures of life all too well. I might not have THREE kids, but I definitely know the feeling of wanting or even needing to be perfect. It’s really hard to be okay with imperfection for me, because if I don’t keep trying harder then I feel like I will never improve in life. I do agree, though, that it is important to take time to relax. Very important. I think that’s great advice and I am glad that you are still remembering it these years later.
Love,
Michelle
I don’t really have the words to say anything other than, “that’s beautiful”. Beautiful because it is so worth celebrating that God has given you a lesson to learn, and you’ve listened, and you’re able to share it with others.
Hooo boy. You and I could probably spend a long afternoon over Venti coffees with this one. My very worst memories as a child are of those very same kinds of things – answering incorrectly in class, plunking a wrong note during a piano recital, etc.
I won’t say that I’ve mastered this, but it’s something God has been working with me on for quite some time. My blog name, Mess and Happiness? It’s from a particular time when I felt so out of control and wondered what I should do, and this phrase popped into my head – “Here I sit, wallowing around in my mess and happiness.” That might not make any sense, I guess…sitting and wallowing at the same time…..
But I decided at that point that God wanted me to just wallow around in whatever He brought my way and to find my joy in the messes of the everyday. I mean, I’d still like to be perfect. But so far, no dice.
Beautifully said. I really enjoyed reading this.