Enduring the Morning

Last night, late into the night I sat in my bed in the dark and quiet and thought. I thought of blessings and honours, praises and mercy and was touched at the thought of how much I don’t deserve. My thoughts turned to sacrifice, life and the world. How little I know of terror and abuse. Pictures on slideshows, videos from news stories and far off stories that bring stabbing pain when read at home. But “could I endure these things?” was the burning question on my mind. In my passionate state I believed with all my heart that I could. That I would not surrender to life on earth in order to avoid pain, torture and death. I imagined horrors nearly unthinkable and then in the silence, that still small voice spoke as clearly as ever…“you could endure the cross, but can you endure the morning?” Oh, such conviction. Here I sat thinking of such tests of righteousness that would be physically unbearable, yet so often I’m unwilling to give up a little sleep. “Don’t ask me now, was my thought, It’s too late in the night to think of getting up early, especially on vacation…I don’t even have an alarm clock and there is no one awake to ask for a nudge.” At 6:15 the nudge came gently from within and the surrender was made. It’s not easy to get up early…but time and time again, that is what God has asked of me. I don’t even pretend to think it’s everyone’s calling to endure mornings. But I know that it is mine. This is the area that I must be diligent in, rigid and yes, even legalistic. True discipline has no room for tolerance. What a lie to think that God’s grace can be an excuse for laziness. His grace abides when I stumble, but it is not a net I jump into just because the air is too thin or the wind too brisk as I climb. I think everyone has something to endure, whether it is a sick child, a physical pain or a simple sacrifice. We all have an area that we must endure in. It probably changes as we mature and as God releases us from situations and circumstances. Yet, more tests find us and more strength is available. Despite what I find difficult, I know that my personal calling does not come without a partner in bearing the burden. His yoke is easy but we must be diligent to listen to his leading. I want to feel the energy and alertness I need no matter what I did the night before…but logic is not far from the Father and He reminds me that an early bed time may be the true sacrifice that I need to make. He is not mysterious or magical, making me miraculously alert each day. He is practical and longsuffering, and that is all He is asking of me.

From this morning’s journal entry: More important to Him than my willingness to die, is my current life surrendered. Death will come to everyone…it is a gift…surrender is a choice of martyrdom for the moments I have among the living.