Listening

I was convicted this week.

My crime: Excuses

I can’t evangelize effectively because I’m a stay at home mom with my hands full, unable to have a conversation because I’m always keeping an eye on at least one wandering little person. I don’t get out much. I like being at home. My calling is here. I can do my best work as an evangelist by teaching my boys and sending them out into the world. I am not outgoing. I don’t make friends easily because I am one of those people who doesn’t need a lot of friends, I just need a few close friends and I’m happy. I don’t talk to strangers because I don’t have a lot to say. I’m not confrontational. I wouldn’t want a lost person to be turned off because I was pushy with the gospel. I believe in relationship evangelism and I’m just in a place right now where I’m not in a lot of different relationships outside of church. I feel a greater calling to encourage and teach Christians and equip the saints. My husband and I are givers. We work hard to earn money that can be used for others who have a calling to evangelize in ways and places that we can’t. I’m doing the work of the kingdom in so many other ways, I’ll do more evangelism when the boys are bigger and I have more freedom.

Hogwash.

Serious hogwash.

It’s not that I NEVER witness, and it’s not that any of my excuses are untrue, but they are just that…excuses. They are excuses that I have allowed to close my ears and keep me comfortable when speaking up or stepping out is inconvenient.

Last night I heard a lesson for leaders. I heard…in a nutshell: Every weakness I display, limits those I lead.

If I won’t do it, it is highly unlikely that anyone I am leading will do it. How can our class grow if no one is evangelizing? Duh.

I am also learning more about the Holy Spirit and His great desire to equip me. Nice how different teachers are teaching me complimentary lessons. God’s pretty clever isn’t He?

This morning, before the boys were up, before my personal world started spinning, I prayed and asked for ears to hear. My excuses are not pulled from the air, they are real. They are silly to some, but anyone with my temperament can relate I’m sure. However, God never asked me to change a life. He has asked me to allow the Holy Spirit to change lives. I began with repentance. I have never thought of myself as ashamed of the gospel. I know I’ve defended it before. I’ve just never tried very hard to sell it. I think I’ve not been committed wholeheartedly to what I have to offer. I equated it to inviting someone to church, inviting people to be like me. Until I am perfect…I can’t advertise. God gently prodded me to look to Him. To quit over analyzing and just bless people with truth. Not the truth about myself or my church or any earthly organization…just truth. I rested there for a little while and then signed the contract. “Who do you want me to witness to? What do you want me to say? Speak, for your servant is listening.”

I didn’t lead anyone in the sinner’s prayer this morning, and I didn’t act as tour guide on the Roman Road. I did make an effort though. I spoke to people that I would have otherwise just passed by. I put my excuses in my pocket and bid them behave for a little while and explained to them that though they define a lot about me, they cannot define my obedience to the great commission. They seemed to understand.

I want so badly to be more than what I am. I want to be the kind of warrior that freaks the devil out. I don’t desire to change my personality. I like me. I simply want to get the most out of me before I die. Like a car you “drive into the ground.” I want to go out with lots of miles and lots of memories. Every scar should have a story. Every wrinkle should have a testimony. Every gray hair should be assigned a life that was touched. It’s not a pretty picture, but it does have it’s romance.

I am not waiting anymore.

Things will never be ideal.

I’m available.

Speak Lord,

I’m listening.