Reminiscing

Christmas is rolling in like a storm. I love it. I really do. I do get a little overwhelmed at this point though. It’s not that I’ve planned too much it’s that I can’t keep very much straight in my head. I have to have three lists just to keep myself in gear. None of them are that long and I can’t explain to you why it’s a big deal, but for some reason it is. I think it has to do with my disdain for decision making. There are too many decisions this time of year that have an affect on too many people. That makes me responsible and I don’t want to be responsible. I don’t mind being responsible for myself, but please don’t make me responsible for anyone else. That requires me to face the fact that I might do something that would somehow disappoint them…for years…and forever cause me to be seen as the “Bah Humbug” of all moms/wives/sisters/friends/(insert relationship here). That’s just too much pressure.

I’m exaggerating a bit, but this morning, before I had coffee, and had actually accomplished a couple of small things, that’s how I felt. I’m glad I’m over it…mostly. In the midst of all of that exhausting ridiculousness, I told Kris I think I want to be a communist or a socialist or whatever “ist” would allow me to let everyone else make decisions for me. So sad.

In all honesty…I think I’m just stressed this year.

It’s not Christmas.

It’s a whole bunch of things that I am trying to keep at a realistic view point. I’ve been trying to keep my focus on the truth and not the circumstances and I’ve done really well with that for a long time. It’s just getting harder to do. And isn’t that when you grow? When the going gets tough…the tough get to exercise a bit. I am not resigned to venting, or worry, or any other weakness. Not because I’m strong, but because I know who is. My view of things, doesn’t change the landscape at all. There are hosts of angels surrounding my mountain and the fact that I can’t see them is the only thing that gives me the freedom to say…”I’m only human.” I will not use that phrase to justify any rage, fit, venting episode or meltdown. I am not saying that I won’t have any of those symptoms…or that I haven’t already had them. I am simply saying I won’t justify them. God supplies me with what I need to avoid them…it’s up to me to get my supply. Tis the season to stay up late and get up late, making it harder to get my supply.

So…it’s the fault of Christmas after all.

See how I did that?

I thought I’d pull out an old Christmas picture this post. Here’s Owen and Santa Claus. Our next door neighbor at our very first house, the house where Owen was born, used to grow his beard long at Christmas time and sit out in a rocking chair under and archway of lights and the little kids from the neighborhood would come and tell him what they want for Christmas. Owen was a hair under three months old in this picture.

I have been reminiscing a lot this year, about Christmases past. It hit us last night that it was 5 years ago today that I had surgery due to an ectopic pregnancy. It was 5 years ago that my sister Kristy and her family were stranded in Thailand during the tsunami. Two near death experiences banked in the memories of Christmas section. I have to admit…those are some of my favorite memories…one of the warmest Christmases on record in my mind. Not because my circumstances were so great. They are good memories because my circumstances didn’t triumph over the Truth.

Hmmm. Seems like maybe there’s good reason to reminisce once in a while.