The Power of Calm

I was upset. I had told them to be careful, and yet they raced to the car with boyish abandon. One with a tray of chicken & cheese enchiladas, and one with a pie. Nothing had spilled, nothing had broken, nothing had come of their carelessness at all except what spilled from me.

I did not yell, or curse, or put them down. I did not diminish them, or belittle them. I did let them see that I was upset.

Isn’t that a funny word? To upset a jar of marbles is to see it topple and spill it’s contents. We are quick to say something upset us, but do we really see ourselves as having been turned over and spilled out? Do we know how much we are revealing when we allow ourselves to be upset? I saw it so plain yesterday morning as we piled in the car late, drove to meet a group of other homeschool families and eventually to pass along the food to a friend who’s had a rough week.

Aron quickly apologized for running with a pie. I had raised my voice and let them know my disappointment because it was just last month that he had carried a pie from the house for someone else and dropped it.

“You know what can happen when you are careless,” I scolded.

“Yet you raced each other to the car with things you cannot replace, that’s an irresponsible thing to do.”

Ivan shrugged his shoulders and had a look on his face that told me he knew his guilt. It wasn’t shame, it was more of a realization and a smirk that told me he regretted his decision. I can live with that. Aron’s apology was different though. It was quick, like a blast of water to cool what he saw as an angry mom. It was suddenly clear to me that he wasn’t apologizing for running with the pie, he was apologizing for upsetting me.

They may seem like the same thing, but they aren’t. It dawned on me how even as a little baby, he would grab my cheeks, pull my face toward his and do whatever he could to make me smile. He has never liked my sadness, my frustration, my anger, or my disappointment. It doesn’t have to be directed at him even, he wants me to smile…all the time.

I told him I’m sorry for getting upset, and that I don’t want him to apologize to me for instigating my raised voice. I will be disappointed now and then, I can’t really wear a mask that hides it all, but I don’t have to be upset. I can be sad, or frustrated, or even angry without letting my top loose and spilling the contents.

If I can be calm, he will be free to see his own mistakes instead of trying to put out my fires. If I can be calm, he can be safe to investigate what made him act in disobedience. If I can be calm, he can apologize for not listening, and he can improve.

If his goal is only to “not make mom angry” he will fight a very confusing battle, because I’m not always triggered by the same things, and I’m not always dealing with the same amount of gunpowder. That’s my battle, not his.

The ability to remain calm when I’m disappointed or frustrated with them is power to see them mature, power to see them become introspective, and power to see them walk in wisdom instead of on egg shells. That’s a good power.

I’m learning how to harness this power of calm, and have listed 6 things below that help me do that:

1. Prayer. When I pray I am venting and unloading in a safe place. I know God hears me, and I know that no one else does. When I tell Him how the days events made me feel, I’m getting the benefit of a good rant, without the side-effects of other people’s judgment or suggestions. I am casting my cares on Him, and He is faithful to correct me in a way I can accept, and comfort me in a way I can relish. Prayer allows me to be honest and keeps my mind clear of clutter that is so destructive when it is upset. Prayer has many, many other benefits but this is what applies here.

2. Bible Reading. When I spend time reading my Bible, my perspective is shifted to a big picture view. I am taken by the Word of God to a narrative that still recognizes my needs, and my hurts, but isn’t driven by them. The Word allows me to see that I’m cared for, but also that I’m made for much more than my own contentment. I am made to serve others, I am made to love others, and these few days of life on earth can be most rewarding if I lose myself in His purposes over my own. It isn’t usually one single verse I read that articulates this, it’s the power of His presence, the whole of the Word cries out that we forget about ourselves, and seek Him. There is no greater satisfaction than this strange paradox of esteem. I am most calm when I am unconcerned with my own outcomes. The Word of God not only offers me that calm it cultivates and grows that calm in me. (Note…yesterday morning I didn’t get up early enough to read my Bible before we had to leave…that is so telling.)

3. Eating right. My mom taught me this, and I’m thankful that I can offer my children the same practical truth. If we starve our bodies of balance, we are activating a rush of emotional-emergency nonsense. Getting enough protein, and enough fiber, and some carbohydrates to balance us is important to keeping our bodies decision maker (the brain) at peace. It’s such a simple thing, but a nutrition low can make us say mean things. It’s not worth it to scar others because I didn’t get a sandwich. Being mindful and planning meals ahead is a great benefit in remaining calm.

4. Music. It’s not necessarily hypnotic or some zen calming technique, but music creates an atmosphere. Music that makes me calm is usually full of quotable lyrics and peaceful melody, while Kris is more often calmed by a well executed rhythm. Whatever your style, music is a great asset to remaining calm.

5. Exercise. I’ve heard this works. I’ve never tried it. I’m kidding. Sometimes simply taking a walk is the best corny answer to a mind overflowing with negative clutter. It’s like opening windows and allowing the wind to blow through your attic. When you release what’s piling up, you can’t spill it. I often feel that a brisk walk outside not only helps me release frustrations, but it truly helps me to generate a calm demeanor that I can then invest in others.

6. Work. I recognize that work and “the job” are sometimes what cause the strife we feel. But getting away from a job, doesn’t mean we don’t work. My grandmother used to say she loved to wash dishes, it made her feel good. I think it was almost symbolic for her…washing away the cares and waste to reveal shiny, clean, and useful. I know for myself, a project or task finished is very satisfying. Work isn’t simply a 9-5 employment, it is a blessed endeavor that can bring a focus away from what troubles us, and allow us to see productivity in our lives that tells us something useful about ourselves. God made us to work, not because He has a long list of chores, but because He knows how much we gain in the process of producing, maintaining, and strengthening the life and the objects around us. Calm is a beautiful byproduct of useful labor.

Obviously, based on yesterdays lack of calm, I am not always using these tools as I should. The beauty of yesterday though was recognizing what the results of calm in me could produce in my kids. That will drive me to use these tools more and more. And isn’t that like God? To gently show me my mistakes and then use it to empower my future. I am thankful for His grace and I am motivated to walk in His calm and peace.