The Reason For My Absence

MOPS. Mothers Of PreSchoolers. It starts tomorrow at our church and I am helping start it. I’ve checked off, and am still checking off, oodles of important things on my list. I have been sewing, I’ve made phone calls, I’ve answered texts and emails, shopped for ribbons and wood and mugs, gone to meetings, read books and even started posting things to my pinterest boards. Tomorrow it all adds up to a great start. I hope.

I’m sure it will.

I’m part of a great team.

In the process though I had to let some things fall. I don’t like letting my blog fall, but it lands more softly than my family and they have been hanging by a thread. Not really, they are doing fine, but with school starting it does feel like bad timing. They need me a little more and I’m feeling a little less like I have much to give.

So the stretching happens and we all reach a little further than we thought we could.

Kris is stable…always unfaltering he. Leaving me thankful that I am not what he needs but what he wants and giving me the opportunity to try a little more to reach over for his hand, even when I need mine so much.

Owen is so like his daddy. I rarely find myself picking up after his emotions. He just carries so much and I wonder about him and pray that he is as strong as he looks.

Ivan is poured out. Drenched in his own tears. School is good for him, it forces him to stretch and I cannot comfort enough, nor can I stay too close. He needs to grow his feet long to support such a heart or he will fall forward from it’s weight.

Aron is where I am torn. His need is doubled when he has to say goodbye to his brothers every day. Why can’t I be as fun as they? “What can I do fun?” he asks. Often. I am only fun if I am 100% his and I cannot be that all day. I do give him my time, and I do make him a part of my time, but his narrow view of fun makes balance difficult and boils down to only something he can plug in or charge. Not what I want for him. Not only do I refuse to become his toy, I say no to what he wants. What sort of provider am I?

And so we are sorting it all out as it comes. Me and they all finding harmony somewhere in the mix.

And so much more is coming. Kris will leave for Africa soon. School will produce even more paper and homework. MOPS will continue to pull me and I must teach classes that Kris cannot and speak at events I’ve been invited to and all the while I must continue stirring.

Watching, tending, seasoning, stirring…there is a balance and we always find it. Blogs can wait a little while until we do. They are usually better for it.