Confidence or Humility?

“Who is wise and understanding among you? Let them show it by their good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom.” James 3:13

“My tummy hurts,” he manages to pronounce.

I know him well enough to know that it is his heart that is broken, not his tummy. I tell him as much and then I waver over how to comfort. Broken pride has no end and every bit of gauze in the house will not wrap it up enough to bind it. I must somehow show him he is okay, without further inflating this swollen balloon of self and ego.

I’ve tried to give my boys confidence. I hate the feeling that an insecurity can bring, and I don’t want that for them. I tell them constantly how smart they are, how proud I am of them and how unwaveringly loved they are.

I think I have been mistaken though.

None of those things are bad, but I have not always balanced in my own mind the benefits of humility alongside these. I have not considered the growth and strength that have come from emotions that accompany failure, of being unfit for a task or a relationship. The understanding that I have gained from an ego wounded or the wisdom I have collected when I chose sitting still and observing over participating and collecting praise.

How much more valuable is a steadfast heart humbly waiting for commission, than a skilled soul so confident it cannot be restrained?

I do express tirelessly that God’s love is more important than any of the above affirmations, that my love is nothing to His and that they are His first, His most and I pray for them to be His entirely.

But what about teaching them to fail?

Am I ready for that?

Watching them learn to walk and fall down, is child’s play when I consider watching them reach for their dream and being rejected, or seeing them fall in love and being turned away.

What will confidence do for last place?

Pride comes before a fall, and cracks, shatters and destroys in the wake. Pride is so sure of success that it seldom has the ability to return to the starting line and try again. Pride has no option but to blame others for failure.

Will soaking them in confidence lead them to this same end? It doesn’t have to, but it could. Will ensuring self-esteem lead them to selfish ways? Not always, but it has.

Humility simply shakes off the pain and is inspired to work harder. Humility knows, even after a win, there is always more to know, understand, gain and aspire to.

But, how to teach humility? Like putting on Sunday shoes and bidding them to play in the mud without getting dirty, it is not a careless endeavor.

Truly, it would be their destruction to throw humility at them. It might begin as truth, but it would sting and burn with humiliation instead. It must be offered in small doses at proper times and always tenderly wrapped in love.

Thoughtful conversations, sometimes tedious reminders, tearful truths in soft arms, here is where we find humility.

Humility comes in God moments.

Humility comes when we hear His voice saying how much He believes in us.

If somehow in the brief encounter between waking and walking we feel God’s eyes on us and know that He has sweet moments in mind for us. If we take in the affirmation of His gaze and tread more carefully because of His attention, we are in need of no earthly confidence, for we are more keenly aware of Whose we are.

Our confidence is a natural effect of understanding His love and purpose.

Humility cradles that understanding. Wisdom offers that humility. The fear of God births that wisdom.

How to teach it then? Walk in wisdom.

I must show my children the fear of the Lord. Utter respect for His ways, His calling and His desires. Complete surrender to His whispers, His protection and His joy.

If my boys know what God sees when He looks at them, they will be in ecstasy of His love and perfectly humbled by their knowledge of who He is.

My greatest gift to my children, is not respecting their abilities, wishes and dreams, it is showing them my respect for their God and their daddy, loving those in authority, serving selflessly and walking in the joy and freedom of my own position. This is the love that never fails. This is the love I am humbled by and extremely confident in.

“Oh Aron,” I say. “I’m so sorry it hurts, I’m so sorry life is difficult and rough on us. Do you know who wants you to feel better? Do you know who is watching?”

He nods. He knows this part. He has been apprised of his status as God’s child.

“Aron, He loves you and He will take care of you. Do you know what the Bible says about you? God’s Word says that nothing comes against you that He doesn’t know about (Matthew 10:29-31). It says if you call for Him, He will hear you and come down and rescue you (Psalm 18), and do you know why? It says He DELIGHTS in you. Do you know what delight means?”

We cuddle and talk and speak the Words that heal. Not because they avenge, not because they bloat our ego and build us up, but because they put us where we belong, centered in His hand, sheltered by His shadow and resting in His loving gaze.

I realized today as I held Ivan and comforted Aron and sent Owen out to play, that confidence will only take them to the pinnacle of themselves, but humility, understanding and wisdom, will never run out of mountain to climb. There is no limit to what God can do.

I must, every day, choose humility.

“Whoever then humbles himself as this child, he is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.” Matthew 18:4