Taking It All In

Some days it’s almost like you can smell the goodness of God. There is a freshness to life and all that is going on, like the sweet smell of honeysuckle wafting in through the screen door. I love days like that. I love those moments where a stillness settles over me while I’m driving or right smack in the middle of sewing or washing dishes and I am able to draw in a moment, like I draw in breath. Sometimes it makes me cry, sometimes I laugh, sometimes I just try to freeze so I don’t startle it away.

I’m trying really hard to free myself up for more of those moments. I don’t plan them, I can’t manipulate them or create a formula that produces them, but I can miss them.

Moments like that never happen when I’m feeling sorry for myself. They don’t happen when I’m fuming over the way my husband talked to me during dinner. I’ve never had a moment like that right after a phone conversation with a third party about why Tess and Tommy aren’t together anymore, or after I’ve over-reacted to my kids inability to hear my instructions for the third time. The third time should never happen anyway, that’s not their fault, it’s mine.

His grace determines that I don’t have to deserve it. I know it is more my own distractions and preoccupations that turn my attentions away from what He wants for me. A minute of stillness, a second or two of unplanned openness, an accidental span where the lists and worries are out of my immediate focus is possibly all it takes.

I want more of it, the ability to take it all in. To relish where I am and who I’m with and even what I have. Clearer vision because my focus is moved to Him and away from my own agenda. It’s not moving my attention away from my kids, it’s realizing I can’t perfect them. It isn’t moving my attention away from my home, it’s realizing I can’t make it better by cleaning it. It isn’t moving my attention away from my husband, it’s accepting that I am not his life coach.

I AM blessed, no matter what I haven’t got, no matter what I haven’t done, or who I haven’t met. I AM blessed because I have a God who likes me and wants to spend time with me. That presence enables me to sit still and instead of trying to paint over the canvas, I can enjoy the view. I’m practicing today.