The demarcation line is distinct as I pull up what’s unwelcome in this flower bed. Almost every day I go outside and pull large portions of weeds. and toss them into a pile in the grass outside the stone boundary. It should not have gotten this bad, but it did.
I couldn’t help my wandering mind as I worked. I have been thinking so much about raising these boys and what it takes to keep them safe, strong, and something in the realm of useful in these few years left at home. Not so much useful to me, but useful to others and useful to the kingdom of God.
Correcting them is changing. I cannot, or should not, be looking over their shoulder constantly, making them weary of my breath on their neck as they do what is in front of them. Those corrections were for small things. What is grown now, is much more established, and the effort I gave to small things will not do more than break apart and ultimately make way for more of the same in their hearts.
Just like that little garden, I cannot go backward. I cannot make a large weed small again, and I cannot make what has become a disrespectful attitude just a sassy remark. If I did not check that remark then, if I did not establish my position with him in those small moments, I allowed roots to grow, and only pulling the roots will change us. How do we do that? How do we take out what we’ve allowed to grow to intimidating proportions?
I have to believe that it’s possible. Just as I looked at that flower bed and considered it’s cleaning a task that can be achieved, I must look at my teens and see theirs as character that can be directed. They are not lost. I am not too late. I knew they had potential the day they were born, and that is still something to hope in.
For nothing will be impossible with God. – Luke 1:37
I have to choose a timely approach. I didn’t tackle the flower bed immediately, I waited until there was a good hard rain. Rain loosens the soil and allows deeply rooted plants to be pulled out much easier. I can’t just barge in on the souls of my teens either. I need to pray, to be still, to wait for the rain of the Holy Spirit to work on them first.
And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. – Ezekiel 36:26
I have to be diligent. I didn’t clear that flower bed in a day. I didn’t clear it in two days. The truth is, it’s still weedy. I have been going out there daily, I spend 30 or 40 minutes on it every evening when the air starts to cool off. I can’t expect my teens to change overnight either. I need to be patient, but I also need to have a heart of diligence in my prayer life. I cannot change them, but I can challenge them. I cannot push them, but I can pray over them. My heart desires for them to see the truth and run toward it, but the fact remains that they have to want it for themselves. I must present a loving, and steadfast heart in our home in order for them to want be a part of the lifestyle we want for them.
I love those who love me, and those who seek me diligently find me. – Proverbs 8:17
I must go to the root of the problem. I cannot simply pull straight up to remove what the unwanted leaves in this garden, I have to dig underneath, find the root system that is unseen and tackle the entire plant in order to fully be rid of it. If I leave a stub of stem, or even unseen roots, the plant will just grow again. I must do the same for my teens. I can’t simply ground them from doing things I don’t want them to do, I must remove the deception that allows bad behavior to root in them. What is it they believe that produces these actions in them? Communication is so important in these years. I must ask questions, even if they refuse to answer. I must be gentle, even when they are harsh. I must be honest. In everything I do and say, it is crucial to be honest. Honesty cuts through the darkness and loosens the grip of deception around them. Their behavior is nothing compared to the condition of their heart.
The righteous who walks in his integrity— blessed are his children after him! – Proverbs 20:7
I must reexamine the boundaries. In weeding this flower bed, I pulled up the stones around the border and realized things were not laid out well. The space was badly proportioned and the area was too large for it’s intended purpose. I need to redesign the plan and push the boundaries in. It can happen at home too. I must check to be sure that I have not drawn the lines too far out and created insecurity for our family by making everyone feel that behavior has no real consequence. I must also check to see that I have not drawn the boundary too tight. When we fail to see their ability to be responsible or mature, and limit their freedom too much, we are telling them we don’t trust them, and it produces frustration and a feeling of contempt. If we fail to respect their behavior enough to give them a little freedom, why bother being respectable? Boundaries are so, so important, but it is equally important to put them in a reasonable place.
The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance. – Psalm 16:6
I have to cultivate faithfully. I may see results and be satisfied, but if I walk away from the flower bed and do nothing else once the weeds are pulled, it will eventually return to a state of chaos. My desire to see a weed free garden induced me to change my own behavior. I created a nightly routine of weeding and cleaning in order to bring about a desirable result. I cannot go back to negligence. I must now cultivate what is good, by being faithful to that routine. My teens need that as well. I cannot pursue a change in them, only to fall back to silence and carelessness. I must continually cultivate our relationships in order to offer them a gateway out of my boundaries, and into an independence that allows them to draw boundaries of their own. They will continue to grow and learn, I must be watching and listening to them as they do. I will learn so much about them if I do. I won’t often find funny what they find funny. I won’t always recognize their odd vernacular, or approve of their clothing choices, but I can consistently and faithfully approve of who they are.
For land that has drunk the rain that often falls on it, and produces a crop useful to those for whose sake it is cultivated, receives a blessing from God. – Hebrews 6:7
Our joy in our children is a precious thing, worth our time and attention. I see them growing and learning and I am proud of them. I’m hopeful that I was faithful in the small things, good and bad, and that these years of living with teen boys will be good and fruitful years, but I know that I am not perfect, and they aren’t either. I know that I will see things I didn’t expect and that I will shake my head and wonder how I missed things. I also know that God is more faithful than I could ever be, and the He has always been aware of my shortsightedness, and He has already provided the grace to believe, to act in timely wisdom, to be diligent, to find the root of problems, to be willing to change our boundaries, and to cultivate in faithfulness the beautiful persons He gave us to raise.