The Entrepreneur’s Wife

When I married Kris I knew a few things he didn’t know. I knew that he could do more than he thought he could, and I knew that he would start a business.

He had no desire to start a business and told me so, but I knew he would anyway.

There were a lot of things I didn’t know, and a lot of things he knew about me that I didn’t know about myself. It can be the best part about marrying someone to hear their fresh perspective on some of the things you may have found a little stale about yourself.

Somewhere in our nearly 17 years of wedded miss and bliss, he became open to, and eventually active in, starting a business. I was, of course, supportive of his decision, but I hadn’t pushed him into it at all. The calling I felt I had in those years was to encourage him. I remember specifically feeling a prompting from God at one point to pray, because He was preparing Kris to be someone who didn’t jump in to a risky adventure in business, but someone who grew into a wise man, ready to do what needed to be done in a business.

As things have blossomed and grown, there have been months of plenty and weeks of plenty of questions. What I have learned is to never expect it to be easy.

I do little to nothing in the actual realm of business and entrepreneurial cog and wheel, but I do see the wear and tear it puts on the man I love. It’s not easy watching the rejections, or the discouragements or the frustration of needs that can’t be met when I don’t have a good business minded encouragement to give that could be taken seriously.

I don’t expect him to tell me how I should have made dinner, so I’m not going to start telling him how he should have spoken to a client. I don’t know the background or the playbook any more than he knows what was in the pantry (no really, he has no idea) or on the recipe card. Our worlds are very different until we settle into family at the end of the day.

We talk about it. I tell him how I miraculously made a meal starting with only two tablespoons of flour, an apple and a great idea, and he tells me about dealing with people who don’t show up to lunch meetings and how a client asked him to feed five thousand with some loaves and fishes. I barely know what he does, but I know he’s smart. I know he’s willing to work. I know he’s willing to overcome things like a tendency toward introversion, and put himself out there to meet people whether he’s “on” or not. Most of all I know he’s a man who prays and seeks God. I know that I find him with his Bible in his hand often and with a good ratio to his time with his laptop or iPad. I know that he knows the voice and heeds the direction of the Holy Spirit and that is what holds a wife secure.

I don’t worry about the bills, I don’t worry about the future, not because I don’t see when things aren’t going well, but because I do see it, I see it plain and simple. There’s a need and there’s a bank account and the two don’t always match. What I see more clearly though is a God who doesn’t need our bank account. That is what allows me to shake worry out of our door mats after we’ve trampled it with sensible shoes. It’s nothing more than the dirt carried in beneath our feet.

That said, I have questioned my role more than ever recently. I can’t be a business partner, but I am his partner. Am I doing everything I can to bolster him as he tackles the very dog eat dog world of business? Am I a haven or a hindrance for him after a long day? I’ve always tried to handle things here so that I’m not handing household problems to him when he walks in the door. Issues with the kids, meals, home maintenance, and decisions that don’t require both of our input, I try (I’m not always good at it) to handle.

I took a look at Michael Hyatt’s blog and did a search for “entrepreneur wife” because I remembered it mentioned that his wife had been asked to write about her role. There were three podcasts on marriage and entrepreneurs and it’s much needed information. The other information I found doing a general search on the internet was mostly about collecting alimony from an entrepreneur. Apparently, I wasn’t crazy when I questioned this whole thing.

In a nutshell, Gail Hyatt listed five things, in the first podcast, the spouse of an entrepreneur should offer their high achieving other half:

1) The gift of belief
2) The gift of appreciation
3) The gift of affirmation
4) The gift of perspective
5) The gift of commitment

Looking at these, I think every husband and wife should be offering these no matter what your spouse pursues. It’s not that an entrepreneur needs them any more than anyone else, I think the problem is that entrepreneurs put themselves at risk of not deserving them more than others. How can I say that? I know. It’s harsh. The outcry though, from so many spouses of business owners and dreamers is that their spouse has chased success more than they’ve caught hold of the family. It’s hard to keep believing in something that continues to take your child’s daddy and hold him captive during yet another little league season. It’s hard to appreciate someone who seemingly neglects your needs yet drops everything to run to the office in an emergency. It’s hard to affirm the individual you don’t understand. It’s difficult to offer perspective when you are looking two different directions. It’s hard to stay committed when you aren’t sure what you’re committed to.

These aren’t, I’m thankful to say, our daily struggles. Kris and I have managed to look each other in the face and speak about what we need from one another enough to stave off the desperation many couples wither into. We are both in love, not only with each other, but with marriage itself, designed and purposed by God. It’s not about me, and it’s not about Kris, and it’s not about our kids or the business either. Nothing of value is categorized outside “seek first the kingdom” (Matthew 6:33) and nothing is worth pursuing that doesn’t honor God first.

Something Michael Hyatt said in the podcast that resonated with me was “Sacrifice only makes sense in the context of a shared vision.” I see that. I feel that. I am fanning a flame because of that. I am not wrong to feel left behind if I don’t know what Kris’ business goals are, because they affect my life goals. I am wrong if I become jealous of his business goals and close him off because I don’t understand that part of his life. I must choose sacrifice based on the common goal, to see God glorified and His kingdom enlarged because of the calling we both have to be salt and light in a dark world. An entrepreneur and his/her family have unique ways of doing that with finances, mentoring, relationships and an acting example of love and sacrifice in a very, very selfish world.

Kris and I have a lot of work to do. I wouldn’t say we have this whole thing down pat, but we have an incredible foundation of Bible study and marriage study to help us. I’m becoming more and more aware of those around us too. The marriages just entering this phase and the way they are looking to one another to have needs met instead of be need meeters.

Prayer. Always, always, always, prayer is the answer.

This verse: “In return for my love they are my accusers,
But I give myself to prayer.” Psalm 109:4 (NKJV), is an inspiration to me.

The top four reasons a spouse rejects their entrepreneur partner are:
1) Neglect
2) Financial strain
3) Lack of communication
4) Divergent goals

It can (if I entertain the thoughts) feel like love is returned with these poor gifts, “but I give myself to prayer.” Every time. Every thought, temptation, perception and misperception, needs to be followed by prayer. It isn’t about me, but it will attack me, so I better know my way to the throne of God. It IS about Him and He knows exactly how to handle it.

More important than the gifts I give him, though those five gifts are terribly beneficial for both of us, are the prayers I pray, the focus I maintain on Christ and His commission and the trust I give my husband because of my relationship with the God who first called me, first loved me and first made me believe I was important.

Every sacrifice, whether I see the vision initially or not, can make sense if we are being led by God Himself. One of my favorite songs has a line I love, *”you go whistling in the dark, making light of it” that’s God. He’s ahead of me, pacing me, leveling paths, comforting me through the valley of the shadow of death he comforts me. That’s the God I trust beyond any vision, his mine or ours.

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* You Move Me, written by: Gordon Scott Kennedy, Pierce Ray Pettis