Yesterday morning I laid Aron’s clothes out for him in the living room. He was still eating breakfast in the kitchen and we were running late so instead of making him run upstairs to find clothes I decided to bring them down and help him dress once he was finished.
In the process of disrobing he suddenly felt the urgent need to go to the bathroom so he ran for it. I didn’t see him take off, as my back was turned, but I did see him return. In my peripheral vision I saw a little flesh colored streak jump through the air and land beside the pile of clothes he still needed to put on.
He was trying to be sneaky, so I wouldn’t see him running around nearly naked. Sneaky and fast. He shouted to me, “mom, did you see me?”
I knew he wanted to hear that I didn’t. I couldn’t lie, but I could exaggerate a bit.
“Barely” I said. “All I saw was a flash and then boom, there you were. You were SO fast.”
He smiled proudly and finished getting ready to leave.
Later that afternoon he was talking to Ivan and said, “Ivan, guess what? I ran to the bathroom in my underwear and I didn’t want mom to see me. I was so fast all she could see was a flash when I ran back!”
He believed it. He believed he was fast, like a flash of lightning. He believed it because that’s what I said.
Which made me feel responsible. And careful.
Because wouldn’t it stand to reason that he would believe other things I could say about him?
My mother warned me about this, and though I heeded her warning I didn’t see how important it was until I saw how easily he took my words to be his. To be him.
What if I had told him he’s an idiot?
What if I had told him I didn’t care?
What if I had told him to SHUT-UP?
What if I had called him a little jerk? A little brat? A nuisance? What about Stupid? Fool? Devil?
What would he believe about himself then?
Oh be careful little ears what you hear…maybe your mommy doesn’t mean it.
How important are they? The little nouns and adjectives we use?
When he dumps his cereal for the third time that week.
When she gets into your make-up again.
When he pees down the side of the toilet.
When you don’t have time or energy to answer her question for the 10th time.
Every time you find yourself placed between him and what his actions make you feel, remember, no matter what you say…He believes.
Oh, Mary. . .like I may have said before, good writing makes me cry. . .and I’m crying. You are so so right. Having worked with troubled kids for the last 20 years, I have seen the sad product of ‘believing a lie.’
And you are also right that it is a cautionary tale to parents and teachers. . . . Be careful what you speak into a child’s heart!
Being the grown up child of a parent that spoke that way I wholeheartedly concur. I’m often reminded that our kids are born knowing nothing except what we teach them. Being raised broken has made me all the more determined to raise kids that are whole.
Mary…I thank God for your wisdom and the gift of written word to share it to those of us who need to hear it.
This is something I believe with my whole heart – that every. word. we speak to our children matters.
Mary–thank you so much for sharing this post with me. It’s such an honor, isn’t it, to be responsible for the tape that will play inside a child’s mind? and a bit daunting, if I’m being honest, but still a privilege and a gift. So very glad you see it this way.