Lest They Become Discouraged and Feel Inferior

“Fathers, do not provoke or irritate or fret your children [do not be hard on them or harass them], lest they become discouraged and sullen and morose and feel inferior and frustrated. [Do not break their spirit.]” Colossians 3:21 (Amplified)

This one is about Ivan. He is so different than the others. So quiet at times, so boisterous other times. Difficult to predict. Difficult to discipline.

I find it puzzling at times to know what is being “too hard” on Ivan. How much of his disobedience is a choice to be disrespectful or rebellious, and how much is a complete absence of understanding of what we expect. We have to correct, regardless, but we approach those in different ways.

Last week, I had to correct an issue that happened at school. It was something we have discussed before so I know that he knows what is expected of him. Still, there was something not right.

I bent him over my knee to spank him and after one “swat” I stopped.

He always fights me, he cries, screams, tries to stop my hand, puts his feet or hands in my way, and I always find a way to spank him anyway. I have seen his drama and met it with determination. Drama will not translate well into adulthood. It needs tempering in order to be beneficial to him and his is a fierce drama.

He chokes over breakfast, he moans over tasks, he is fully functioning in feelings and whether I understand it or not isn’t going to make him a man. I am even incapable of showing him at times. I am best used when communicating with him the merits of God’s plan for his life. What I desire to show him is the respect and awe I feel for manhood. The gratitude and joy I have in his daddy. The harmony we have when gentle meets faithful and produces God’s fullness. His drama needs self-control and I can teach him, I can point him in the right direction. Thank God I know where to point him.

My hand was raised for a second “swat” over his denim clad behind and the Holy Spirit spoke. Maybe still and small, but whispered straight, He said, “He doesn’t think he’s wrong.”

Oh. Well that changes things. If I continue to spank his little rear I am not enforcing self control, I am enforcing self righteousness. I am inflaming, blowing the sparks of anger and resentment into full blaze.

Here was a new picture of Ephesians 6:4. In the New International Version it says “…do not exasperate your children…” Most versions say “provoke your children to anger.” I’ve known this, but I always pictured it differently. Flaunting authority, bragging of “bigness,” charging with haste and discipline mixed with rage. I’ve always thought it was over-parenting.

Yet, I was being told to slow the hand and listen. It wasn’t my own misconception of my role, it was Ivan’s misunderstanding of my purpose in this moment. I couldn’t produce in him any good with this, unless he understood his own error.

It was not that we hadn’t talked. I had just given him the run down of what was wrong and how it should have been handled, he had even voiced his understanding of right and wrong in the situation, but somehow he was not accepting his own guilt. He saw something else. A tilt on one side of the scale, a difference in the cause and effect that I had to relieve him of.

“Ivan, do you think this is unfair?” I said.

He nodded and stood upright. “Why is it unfair?” I continued.

He was so quiet, his words came out in murmuring syllables without spaces in between. Somehow I heard them clearly though.

“Owen and Aron aren’t getting spankings.” I don’t know for certain, why he thought they should, but I knew arguing logic with him was not the answer. He was in the grip of “feelings” and though feelings lie, I couldn’t dissuade them with facts alone, I had to find the Truth and prayed for wisdom to find me. Instead of informing of Owen and Aron’s innocence, I explained the difference in their crimes.

It’s true that none of them were born innocent. All of them have needed reminding in one form or another of proper behavior, so I told him the truth. Owen usually gets spankings because of what he does. Aron usually gets spankings because of what he says. Ivan gets spankings for what he doesn’t do. I explained their differing temperaments to him, giving him examples of how God made each of them different and useful in their own way. I told him that those differences are good, but that left to themselves they produce good only for themselves. If they are corrected, they can use that good to God’s glory and to love others.

His face softened and we pressed on to finish the most difficult job entrusted to parents, save letting them leave us. This time he took the remaining two swats like a man. He did not refuse correction. Maybe for the first time ever. How long has he been sure that I was singling him out? I don’t know, but I know that as I raised him up again his face held bravery and contentment. He was ready for what always comes after a spanking. I told him I loved him. This time though I begged the Holy Spirit for more words, “tell me how to tell him he’s special.”

I watched him light up, his expression is always so telling, and this time it was as if life-words brought more color to his already colorful face.

“You are so important to our family Ivan. You bring something to this little group, that no one else brings. You are like the music in our home. You have so much heart, so much talent and so much creativity and we wouldn’t be who we are, without you. I love you, and God loves you soooo much. I can’t wait to see what you do with God’s love. You are amazing.”

How I praise, when I know that God is watching out for me. Protecting me from sin, not temptation alone, but missing the mark simply out of ignorance. He loves me enough to correct me, and I am so in love with that.

“Fathers, do not irritate and provoke your children to anger [do not exasperate them to resentment], but rear them [tenderly] in the training and discipline and the counsel and admonition of the Lord.” Ephesians 6:4 (Amplified)