Dear God,
As I stared into the eyes of my sweet Ivan this morning I felt such frustration. I wasn’t angry with him, I wasn’t threatening him, I was just bewildered and I wanted to shake the thoughts out of him like a pepper shaker. My questions weren’t working, no matter how I asked them. He just kept staring at me and I knew that he was trying to figure out what I wanted to hear.
All I wanted was to know why he didn’t wear the socks I pulled out of his drawer this morning, but he acted like his answer was going to disappoint me and he didn’t want to say it. I was trying to find out if they were too small, itchy, had something stuck in them…whatever would make you not want to wear them. I finally just gave up and made him wear the socks I pulled out, regardless of his reasoning for not doing it.
I drove him and his brothers to the school and talked to them about love and trust. God, I tell them over and over that I love them, but this morning I asked them to trust me. I told them that sometimes I can’t explain why I need them to obey, they just have to do it knowing that I love them. I got that from You.
Ivan looked at me in the mirror from the backseat and said, “Sometimes it’s hard. We just have to do hard things sometimes.” I didn’t know if he was talking to me or himself.
When I stopped the van, I watched him, my little kindergartner, working so hard to carry all of his things. His valentines in their box, his back pack and lunch box all precariously loaded into his little arms. Everyday walking into school is a bit of a battle for him. He wants his back pack in place, his hands carrying only what’s necessary, if possible one of them should be in his pocket. Today, he just grabbed it all and headed for the door. He was more eager to please me than to be comfortable.
I want to be like Ivan sometimes.
Truthfully, He is so much like me, yet I have such a hard time communicating with him. How is that possible?
I pulled away from the curb and felt tears coming. Why couldn’t I understand him better this morning? Why did he insist on dress socks twice, after I had laid out his school socks? Why did it matter so much to me? Most of all, why couldn’t I connect with him. I felt like we were speaking two different languages this morning. When I wanted a yes or no answer he would explain something irrelevant, when I wanted an explanation he would simply say “no ma’am.”
It really had so little to do with socks.
And I wanted to scream. Thank you for keeping me from screaming.
He is such a treasure, and Lord, that’s why I’m talking to you about him this morning. I realized that you are going to lead him away from me at some point and I wanted to ask you something.
When You are designing his helper, the woman he will marry someday, will You give her a special understanding for a mind like Ivan’s? I trust and believe that You will give him to someone who knows him better than I do. Someone who meets his thoughts with compassion and finishes his sentences with wisdom. I don’t like the idea of handing him to someone else, but I know that he isn’t mine even now. He is Yours and if I trust You the way I say I do, the way I want him to trust me, than I know You are going to bless him with love that fits him.
I pray the same for all my boys. Protect, guard, guide and bless the little girls who are being nurtured into womanhood and will one day stand beside my boys as support, help, wise counsel and love. Make them the kind of women my boys will want to leave me for, and make me the kind of mom who rejoices in them.
In Jesus Name,
Amen
I used to have that trouble with Chloe. All I wanted was a simple answer or for her to acknowledge that I’d spoken to her or answered a question. She was about the same age as Ivan. If it makes you feel any better we got past it without any emotional damage to either of us.
I think that the most important part of parenting is praying for wisdom and listening to what the Holy Spirit has to say. Sometimes He leads me in a completely different direction than what I was anticipating but I know that He is trustworthy and knows my kids so much better than I ever could. And realizing that my children don’t need to be “fixed” but that any real change is a work of the Holy Spirit is freeing for me. I can direct conversation and pray and correct behavior but real change is His job. I know you know that.
It does make me feel better. I’m so afraid sometimes that I’m going to be in too big a hurry, and say something I don’t mean, right to his face. He’s sensitive and I try to be careful with him to a degree. I don’t want to coddle him, but I do want to respect the way God made him. Even the way he thinks, because in truth, I LOVE the way he thinks.
And yes, I do know that, but communicating that the Holy Spirit can work in my kids is a justifiable reminder for all of us. Knowing something and really believing it requires repetition, so thank you friend. 🙂
Ah geeze, Mary, now I’m crying. I have a hard time finding the words to pray about this subject. You’ve definitely helped me with that today. Thanks
ok, i have to ask. why couldn’t he just wear the other socks? when he is 30, will it matter that he chose to wear a pair of dress socks to kindergarten one day?
i get that it blossomed into something more than that. and i am not trying to make light of it.
i grew up knowing to do as i was told, not to ask why and to respect authority, so i understand that those are underlying elements. but looking back i sometimes feel like my parents were overly controlling on issues that just didn’t matter.
again, this was such a heartfelt post that i am not trying to be critical.
Well, I did explain it to him because I think in order for submission to work there has to be trust and trust works best when there’s communication. So the whole reason I didn’t want him to wear dress socks was because it was cold and wet outside and A)they were thin and his tennis shoes are thin and I just don’t want his toes to get cold and B)I didn’t want his dress socks to get muddy when his school socks are already stained. YET…if he had given me a good reason to wear the others I would have let him.
well, i knew there had to be more to it and i had to ask!
i totally understand and get it. i go thru the same things all the time. that is our job as parents to make the right decisions for them, things they wouldn’t choose, but are for their own good. and there is a big lesson in obeying even when you don’t agree.
Ivan probably just liked the dress socks better and didn’t know how to say it without disappointing you in his mind. Your post made me cry too. You know I used to pray for the girls that my sons would marry, so I prayed for you for a long time. Looks like it worked!
He so often just stares at me, he looks like he wants to say something but he can’t find the words. I am curious if he is as like me as I think he is and once he is comfortable with writing and spelling he’ll be able to say so much more.
Yes, I’m very thankful for all your prayers. Becky has questioned whether our mom prayed for us to marry quickly once we found the person God had for us. All four of us who are married met and married our spouses in less than 9 months.