Correct your son, and he will give you comfort; He will also delight your soul. Proverbs 29:17
When it comes to kids, Independence and Responsibility haven’t always gone hand in hand. The former SHOULD be given based on the latter, but unfortunately it’s often the other way around. The two are neither equal nor simultaneous, and though independence is much easier to grant and measure, responsibility is so much more valuable.
A while back we had some extra kids here at the house. I was surprised at the amount of independence shown by one of the boys. It was not an obstinate attitude that caused him to do things in our home that weren’t acceptable, it was an independence that he was used to in his own home. When he sat down at the table to eat a slice of pizza he grabbed his plate and drink and took them to where he wanted to eat, which happened to be at my computer. I was able to steer him back to the table without any trouble, but I realized he probably isn’t told to stay at the table at home so he just did what he wanted. A boy of 7 isn’t going to know the cause and effect issues that go with eating pizza at a computer, so to him he was doing nothing wrong. This boy was not bad, he was simply independent without being responsible.
Owen who is now 8 is beginning to show that ability to be responsible. He is inconsistent with it, but I can see how he is understanding risk regarding his things. We talk about what he can take to school, whether it’s appropriate for a classroom setting and whether there’s a possibility of the item being lost, broken, stolen or just a nuisance to the teacher. He has at times thought through these scenarios and decided the risk of losing what he likes is too great and left the item at home without me telling him to. As that happens more and more I will give him the freedom to make those decisions on his own and independence will be granted.
I probably could have told you this difference if asked before I had kids, but watching it first hand has been eye opening. Now when I see adults who are flippant with their families, their jobs, their vehicles and their homes I realize they were given independence too early. I think independence does instill a sense of confidence in some children and it looks good. I can even remember it in some of my friends as a child. Some kids were given many rights and privileges that made them seem mature. I realize now though that simply giving a kid independence might make them strong, but it doesn’t make them secure and it doesn’t make them wise. I want my boys to be independent at some point. I want them to think for themselves, do for themselves and be confident in it. I don’t want them to fear being on their own because I never gave them any independence. However, I will continue monitoring who they are with, what they have, what they do and how they do it, until I see that they have gained the experience, skills and most importantly, the understanding to do all of it on their own.
I think there are a lot of parents who are proud of their kids because of what they can DO and use that as the marker for granting independence. Instead we should be looking at what our kids can reason through. Just because little Johnny knows how to use the microwave at age 6 doesn’t mean he should be making his own dinner. Little Johnny will be eating nothing but carbs and sweets because no one is monitoring what he has for dinner. Then little Johnny won’t feel well, his blood sugar will fluctuate and he will be tired when he should be awake and awake when he should be sleeping. Little Johnny doesn’t know why he can’t listen to his first grade teacher, and his mom doesn’t either. After all, he’s SO SMART, why he can make his own dinner for crying out loud.
Simply giving a kid independence
might make them strong,
but it doesn’t make them secure
and it doesn’t make them wise.
I believe that many parents and caregivers believe that giving a child independence will teach them responsibility. That is true in some cases but it can’t be done too early or it is harmful. Giving our kids chores, giving them the responsibility of cleaning their own room or making their own bed is a way to measure their readiness for independence. It also teaches them the factors that surround all the tasks, items and relationships in the household. I know lots of little kids who demand and receive the license to decorate and control everything that happens in their bedrooms. Yet, very few of these kids actually keep anything in that same room tidy. Responsibility isn’t just being in charge of something, it’s also being accountable to what you are in charge of. Being proud of little Annie because she CAN make her bed is great but using that as a marker for her independence isn’t enough. Does she make her bed every time she’s asked? Does she make her bed when she’s not asked? Even this: does she make her bed because company is coming over and she reasons that it would help mom make the house look nice? Those things tell us whether our little ones are seeing their actions through the lens of responsibility or not.
When I left home at 18 and was forced to take care of myself (which took a while…ask my older sister that I lived with) I realized how little I knew about being independent. I had never driven in a big city, I had never had to interview for a job (I was employed in my parent’s restaurant while in high school), I had never dealt with rent payments and car problems, purchased my own groceries or planned a budget of any kind, about the only thing I had done was file my taxes. I was very, very green when it came to independence. It took some time and I made some silly mistakes. However, I was well versed in responsibility. What I lacked in experience I made up for in my ability to reason and think through. When experience and confidence came, I was ready to handle my independence because I was grounded in being responsible with myself, my money, my friendships my freedom and especially my mistakes. Personally I think I was probably a little too lacking in independence but if my parents were going to ere in teaching me either independence or responsibility, I’m glad it wasn’t responsibility that I was deficient in.
Though independence and responsibility are closely related, they can be very different things. Yes we should encourage independence in our kids, but we should be steadfast in first ensuring that responsibility is active in their minds and hearts before they are given the freedom of self-determination.