Leaning – Part 1 of 3

I leaned in to grab something off the floor of the van and as I straightened myself back up I saw my hand resting on Aron’s little knee. He patiently waited for me to move so he could unbuckle and dash away from the van and into the church playground, but I had taken a snapshot quickly before I moved.

One of those mental snapshots where you dare not blink but you almost hear the click of a camera in your brain as it freezes the image and processes a thought at the same time. I’m leaning on him it said, and a deluge of subsequent thoughts went flooding through my soul.

He’s only three years old and I know he’s not ready for me to lean on him, nor do I want to lean on him, but some day, some far away, hard to imagine day, I will need someone young and strong and patient, to lean on. Parenting, good parenting, is my best hope for something good to lean on in my old age.

It was sobering to think of myself needing my children, Aron especially is still needing a hand now and then to get through the stumbley parts. We are working our way up from walking together in parking lots and needing to be held when the zoo gets a little too big for short legs. But in that instant I knew that one day I may indeed look to them for strength and I asked myself the question, am I offering them what they need to prepare them to be able to do that?

At least three things are required for me to be able to rest securely on their shoulders:

1) They must be strong enough individuals that they can handle the load of an aging parent.

2) They must be kind enough individuals that they want to take on the responsibility.

3) I must be someone they can tolerate enough to care.

I think it is very easy to focus too much on one of these areas and not enough on one or two of the others. I have seen parents who have very strong, able and determined children who want nothing to do with anyone else. They were so poorly managed, whether it was from over emphasizing their importance or giving discipline without love, that they have no capacity to love others properly and focus solely on their own survival. I’ve seen other parents who teach kindness to the point of complete self-sacrifice, raising children who are all compassion but with no resources. Sadly there are even those parents who have so disengaged or damaged their children with criticism or absence, their children simply do not care what happens to them.

All three requirements must be in balance and it starts now. Teaching my children how to take care of themselves and others isn’t something that happens automatically. It must be thoughtfully taught and expressed in the goings on of our daily lives. Instead, we often mistake chores as hindrances to imagination instead of creativity builders. We mistake responsibilities as burdens instead of confidence boosters. We mistake character lessons as holding back their personality instead of the beginnings of compassion and integrity. Yes, children need time to play and dance and express themselves, and we need to be right there cheering for them, but we should be looking with great care at their need to grow into adulthood and the responsibilities it requires step by step along the way.

We mistake responsibilities as burdens instead of confidence boosters.

I am impressed with parents I see giving responsibility to their growing children. Children some see as too young to be given the burden of work and responsibility are vacuuming floors, carrying groceries in, attending to younger siblings and even cooking dinner. Chore charts, allowance, rewards and pats on the back can be a part of their life pretty early on and I am so convicted by my own lack of organization in this. One thing I plan to implement very soon is this set of CaringKids Chore Cards. I won them in a blog giveaway right after I got back from India.

While I was gone, I couldn’t help but wish I had my little boys there to see how other children live, how other children realize contentment. I was impressed with the joy those children lived in despite their circumstance. I cannot take my boys to India at this time, but I can bring a little India to them. These cards communicate compassion and awareness while we do daily tasks and brings to focus some of the disproportion of our own lifestyle. We have a lot of stuff. It’s not wrong to have stuff, but it is important to balance our stuff with our generosity and understanding. Teaching children to appreciate what they have is one of the hardest tasks a parent has. It is a trait that will get them a long way in life though. True gratefulness is a part of good character that drives us forward in our desire for others to experience the same good fortune we have received. True gratefulness is overflowing and doesn’t settle around us, but spreads itself to others. I want that for my boys.

I’m typing as I think here folks. I have not mastered this balance yet. I see though, a little more clearly how important it is. I am watching them run and play, watching them build, create and imagine, listening to them express themselves and I’m praying. I’m praying that I get it right, that I’ll march, or shuffle, into my less independent years with confidence that I have done all I can to instill in them what it takes to be strong men of God and men who, if I need it, can hold my hand now and then through the stumbley parts.

My son, if your heart is wise,
My own heart also will be glad; Proverbs 23:15