I’m leaving TODAY for India. Am I excited? That’s the question that I’ve fielded non-stop for the past couple of weeks. The answer isn’t what people want to hear. So I try to soften it, but I can’t lie, do the dance and just say what they want. I just don’t work that way. Never have.
I’m an emotional basket-case. I just sent my husband and three little boys off to church without me and I won’t see them again until next Wednesday afternoon. I’m leaving my comfortable home, with my feather pillow and sleep number mattress. I’m leaving a kitchen full of food I can grab and eat without second thought. I’m leaving an unseasonably cool week of late spring. I’m leaving my back porch where I go whenever I please. I’m leaving streets that are wide and a community that is spread out. I’m leaving comfortable for 10 days.
Now granted, the comfort part is not nearly as big a deal to me as leaving my husband and kids. I can’t quite describe that one. I don’t even have to feel anything, I just cry when I momentarily consider 10 days without my family, but the comfort has been a factor for me. That surprised me.
All of this process has already caused me to peel away some selfishness. Yes, I signed up to go, yes, I wanted to do it and I still do. But I am maybe too aware of what I’m leaving and where I’m going. I have grown to relish convenience and comfort a little too much maybe. Hey, at least I don’t take it for granted right?
So…here I am…bags packed, passport and plane tickets in hand and I’m wondering. I know things will go on here without me and that the house may not be run as I would do it, but it will be in good hands, and my boys will be happy and my husband will be busy and though I’ll be missed, I won’t be needed. I don’t wonder about what I’ll come back to. I am wondering about who will come back.
I have to ask, what am I taking with me that is needed in India? I’ve truly questioned the point of all this. I know that most people come back from mission trips and say something like, “I didn’t realize I was going to be ministered to…I came back changed…I thought I was going to help them, but I needed what they had.” I don’t want to discount the value in that but if that’s why I’m going, shouldn’t we just call it what it is? If it’s an opportunity to go and draw something from a culture we aren’t used to than lets call it an overseas spiritual renewal. I am not leaving with a bad attitude I promise. I want to draw from other Christians and be changed in whatever way God wants to change me, I just question whether I should label it in such a way that causes people to assume that I am in some way offering something of value to these men and women of God that they don’t already have in spades. Yes we are going to minister to those who are lost, unchurched, uncared for and un-remembered in many ways, but I guess I just wonder if we are really needed there.
We are assisting a church in a BIG endeavor and I want to help. I know I sound horrible right now. I don’t discount the ministry that will happen. I question that I am any more able to do this than another sister already in India…that is all. I have yet to believe that I am. But I hope I am. I hope that the time I’ve spent in the Word, the sacrifices I’ve made in prayer, the willingness I’ve offered to God is not just another pale body on a plane to India. I hope and I pray that what God has done in me is in some way valuable to my brothers and sisters there. I’m going to find that out in the next ten days and I’ll be certain to let you know.
Pray for me. Pray that my heart is fixed on what is needed and not on what I’m missing. Pray that my hands are like the hands of Psalm 18:34, “He trains my hands for battle,So that my arms can bend a bow of bronze.” Pray that my feet will be the feet of Isaiah 52:7 “How lovely on the mountains are the feet of him who brings good news, Who announces peace and brings good news of happiness, Who announces salvation, and says to Zion, ‘Your God reigns!'” Pray that I will not bring Mary to India, but that I will bring a little more of Jesus to India. That my presence there is not in vain, but rather that Jesus in me has a new opportunity to shine into dark corners and offer hope to hopeless situations.
Thank you for your prayers, thank you for your encouragement and thank you for listening.
For what God is doing in India…I’m excited!
Praying for you, your family and the people in India who need what you have. I’m having some of the same thoughts that you are today. Two months from today, all 4 of the Jesters will be in El Progresso, Honduras, working/playing at an orphanage. I’m fighting off thoughts of “What was I thinking?” 🙂 I just have to remember that God didn’t call us to these mission trips because of our skills (obviously, in my case!), but He will give us the ability to do whatever it is He wants done while we are there. We just have to show up and be ready. 🙂 I look forward to hearing your thoughts 10 days from now.
Rebecca
You can do this.
You are bringing exactly what is needed – you, for your benefit and for theirs.
Praying for you, friend, and can’t wait to hear your stories upon your return.
You won’t get this comment until after you get back since I’m late to the party but I wish you well and will be praying for you. I’m sure the reasons you’re there will be clearer once you’re on the other side of it.