Mary’s Messy Melancholy Morning

I have had the most emotionally heavy week. It’s got to be some kind of hormone thing, but it has tested my ability to walk in joy. I’m not a wreck, but I have had moments of melt-down and I couldn’t even make up a reason for it. Which is probably good. When I have a reason to cry or pout, I justify it and it’s easy to let the extra emotion fuel the hurt or frustration. This week, nothing is wrong. I’m just a puddle for no apparent reason. So, of course, I put myself away for a little while, cry or laugh out my fluid melancholy and move on until the next day when it happens again. It’s kinda funny when I write it out. I would definitely make fun of myself if I weren’t me. But it is.

Given the above information, you may find the next story somewhat amusing.

I went to the grocery store this morning to pick up four things and return one.

Earlier this week I had gone to the store and got only things that weren’t perishable. I had an hour between dropping off Owen and going to Bible study which is enough time to pick up a few things, but not enough time to take them home, so I only got things that could sit in the van during Bible study. One of those things was a jar of blackberry jelly and when I got it home I realized the seal was broken and the lid just fell off.

So today I had my very short list and was preparing to leave. I made sure to take my receipt and a few coupons with me and I was on my way.

Here’s where the stress started. Well…maybe it started earlier. Getting three boys out the door by myself is ALWAYS stressful…EVERY SINGLE DAY. Today was no exception. Owen ignored the clock, Ivan ignored instructions and Aron was bouncing off the walls. We made it to school two minutes late today. That’s stressful.

On the way to school, we are in the 25 m/p/h zone and a police car comes bearing down on the blockade of cars. I’m in the left turn lane already with no where to go and the cars beside us seem oblivious and the cop is RIGHT behind me siren blaring and blue lights flashing, and I feel all this pressure, but I’m stuck. My boys are all three still in the car and they all want to know what’s going on? why do we have to get out of his way? where’s he going? etc. etc. Finally the two cars in front of me pay attention to the traffic cop in front of them who’s doing windmills trying to get them to turn into the school parking lot so we can all get out of the way. And we move on. No harm done…I hope. That put me at about .5 on my stress scale. Not too big of a deal. But combined with being late I was probably at a 1.

Then, after dropping Owen off I turn left out of the parking lot to go to the store. Shouldn’t be a big deal, four things…then I realize I forgot the jar of jelly. I have the receipt…but no jelly. I get mad at myself and land another half point up the scale.

In the store, the boys immediately run to the “little carts” and fight over who will push it. They are the adorable little mini grocery carts that look just like the real thing…only small. Since we only needed four things I let them use it and I didn’t take a cart. This is fine, except that it just puts me on edge trying to keep them from running into each other, me, other people and large stacks of boxed items throughout the store. They did pretty well this time. Ivan was the only victim. So my stress level is still rising.

We worked our way through the store, got what we needed and then I decided to use the self-checkout aisle. Dumb idea. I made a few mistakes through that process, couldn’t keep the boys out of trouble because I had to pay attention to what I was doing, couldn’t scan anything right because I had to pay attention to my boys. I left my coupons lying in an aisle somewhere in the store, grabbed the wrong brand of one of my coupon items, lost the coupon in the depths of my purse, I had to stop my purchase process about three times to correct my mistakes and start over. I was even more frustrated because I had done so much preparation. It wasn’t like I walked in there with a crumpled mess of coupons, no list and an unorganized purse. I had done ALL my homework but little by little all of it had come undone. Every detail I had so proudly checked off my list became a muddled illegible scribble right in front of me.

I don’t know where I was on the stress scale by this time. I had my groceries, I had my kids, I had my purse, my keys, my wallet and my receipt. I held onto all of it and made my way to the van. As I opened the back hatch to put things in, I see Ivan out of the corner of my eye, he’s walking behind me and passes the van toward the car parked beside us. Just then the car parked beside us starts backing out really fast. I had my hands full and though logic would tell me to drop what I was holding and grab Ivan…I’m way below logic at that point so all I can do is shriek for Ivan to stop. The woman didn’t see him at all and he was mere inches from her rear fender. He did stop and came back toward me. He very calmly (bless his sweet little heart) told me that he saw the car and was getting out of the way. I told him (again) how important it is to stay close to mommy and the van when we are in a parking lot because that woman DID NOT SEE YOU!

I got the other two bags of stuff in the van, loaded the boys in and started the van.

Then I cried.

I saw Ivan watching me but he didn’t ask. He just talked quietly about his new sunglasses and helping me with chores when we get home.

I love that kid.

I realized when I was almost home that I forgot to pick up the dry-cleaning. It didn’t even phase me though. I had already done all my emotional purging for the day. I should be great for the rest of the day. Which is good, I have a lot to mess up on…I mean a lot to do.