Logjam

Definition of LOGJAM
1)
a jumble of logs jammed together in a watercourse

2)
a: deadlock, impasse [trying to break the logjam in negotiations]
b: blockage

I love when I hear something and it doesn’t mean anything to me at first. I don’t see a problem or correlation in my life and then a few hours, or even a few days, later a glaring example jumps out and slaps me in the face. I don’t really love being slapped in the face but I love knowing that God is teaching me, hasn’t ignored me, is interested in making me more than what I am and loves me enough to honestly confront me. My God is so cool.

Tuesday morning I packed up six boys…that’s right we doubled that day (I was helping out a fellow mommy)…and went to Bible study. Vanessa was bringing it as usual and I heard the message clearly but try as I might I couldn’t find anything to convict me. Hee hee. I usually sit there and try to apply it all to my life. I sometimes get so distracted I miss 5 minutes of teaching here and there while I look for Scriptures or remember instances where I stumbled in a certain area, and what God has or will teach me further on the subject. Sometimes I am all caught up in “How can I contribute?” and have to catch up with what’s already being contributed. Argh. I’m not a very good student in this respect. Have I defined Adult ADD? I don’t care…I like me.

Back to Vanessa…she was talking about the Holy Spirit and the flowing rivers of water that we are to be living in. She talked about blockages and gave the example of a logjam on a river. What’s holding us back? What’s blocking that living water from flowing freely in us and have we even asked the Holy Spirit to reveal it? I did. I do it regularly but sometimes a picture like that, a reminder that it’s important and the realization that others are looking for logjams too, helps to encourage a deeper search for those “offensive ways” (Psalm 139:23-24) that hinder us. I was blank, sitting there in my uncomfortable chair, Bible open, pen and notes handy…nothing.

Then on Tuesday afternoon, driving home from my sisters house…I was going over my lack. Thinking about my to do list and what it is that keeps me from doing some of the things on it. There are certain tasks that I will not do quickly. I avoid them, I cringe at the thought of them, consider the cost of hiring someone to do them and connive ways of getting out of them altogether. It’s not anything difficult, messy or even time consuming, it’s just stuff that isn’t comfortable for my personality. One of them is phone calls. I hate calling people. I don’t mind talking to them or e-mailing them or any of that, but the picking up of the phone and interrupting someone’s day to ask a question is somehow daunting to me. I know that sounds ridiculous, I agree, but that’s the honest truth of where I am. And as soon as I thought about it I was struck with the picture of the logjam. The Holy Spirit got through my distractions and showed me what I need to clear up. It’s not the actual phone calls, that’s just a symptom of the deeper problem. I can talk on the phone. Whether it’s fear or frustration or what, I don’t know, but there is something not quite rightly adjusted in me that causes me to be ridiculous and I need to find out what it is.

I have been asking God to change me. I want so badly to see myself as able to run Mary Mary Stationery. I know God gave me a task, but I also know how unfit I am to do it. I see my shortcomings very clearly. I am an introvert, I am not lazy, but I am not in a hurry most days. I am confident in what I can do, but not in what I will do. I am convinced that I would do better with a big strong choleric personality setting my agenda and pushing me from behind. But so far, the sensitive to the Spirit side of me has neither seen the person God wants in that role, nor have I been given the green light on truly looking for that person. I believe, despite my desires, that God wants me to develop better habits beyond my personality profile. God has to rub off rough edges on all of us, and He has to rough some edges on a few of us too. I need some sandpaper now and then to toughen me up. To put some callouses where my thin skin is. Being a timid person is no way to run a business, being unorganized or scattered is not a good trait for anyone and being creative is no excuse for any of it. Jesus Christ was an example of completeness and that is what I strive for. Neither timid or insensitive, He lived the balance that I need. If He lives in me…surely I can tap into that.

So…here’s to loggers and the Holy Spirit. Riding the river with us and moving things around in order to keep us flowing as we should. I will figure this out, I may have to do as Vanessa was planning to do and make an appointment with God to have a sit down chat with no interruptions. It would be worth getting a babysitter for an hour to just sit down and have that heart to heart and figure out where the jam is. Of course that would mean making a phone call…so maybe I’ll just wait until nap time.