Things are continuing to roll here. We have company coming tonight and more guests on Saturday so I have some cleaning to do today. My house likes it when I invite people over because I have to keep it clean.
Yesterday was a wonderfully strange day. I have, for the past several days, been fairly emotional. It seemed to come to a real heaviness yesterday and everything was bringing tears to my eyes, I felt sorry for myself a little, but it wasn’t just me…it was everything and nothing. I know I’m not alone in crying for Haiti, a lot of you have felt that hurt when seeing the devastation and struggle they are facing there. Other things were making me cry too though. I would sit down at the computer and a song would nearly make me crumble, an argument between the boys would send me into a fit and everything was magnified to an overwhelming level. But more than that, it was the realization that I wanted to break down even when nothing prompted me. As if I just had to unload some turmoil that was boiling in me.
Once again, I was longing to have a little time to sit with my Bible and my journal and just get this taken care of but it’s so hard lately. I am exhausted and my boys get up so early. Getting up before they do only leaves me more tired and truly unable to focus on what I most want to accomplish in those early hours. So yesterday I made it through until lunch time and then as soon as the boys were quietly napping (and they did so well yesterday…not a peep out of them) I was able to curl up on the couch with my Bible.
I poured out the frustrations in pen and ink for a moment. I asked myself what I would tell anyone else who came to me with these same frustrations and I wrote out my answer. I have to tell you, I’m incredibly encouraging. If you’re ever down, I can help! I’m trying to be funny, but it really did help and I need to do that now and then to gain a better perspective.
I prayed of course too and as I’ve mentioned before I am rather convinced that God has confirmed my position right now as being led, but for now that leading is through a valley. I am being very honest here when I say, I am not worried and I’m not afraid. I’m not concerned about where I am, what I have or what might be around me because I don’t typically have a problem believing in God’s care, attention and provision. I think everyone has their own particular faith strength if you know what I mean. Some people have no problem believing that God will heal them, but can’t trust Him with their finances. I hope that all makes sense. I have plenty of doubts and issues of faith that God deals with me on, but faith for my provision or care is not one of them. What I was dealing with was weariness. A lack of desire to move forward for the sake of what’s ahead, only a desire to move out of where I am. I have realized my need to lean a little more heavily on my Shepherd but I was still just unable to get excited about the future. It seems like an endless climb, but the climb doesn’t seem to lead to any mountain top retreat…it’s a climb to level ground in my head.
Finally as I opened my Bible I read Ezekiel 37. I typically read Psalms and Proverbs every day, I’ve said that before, but I also read through the Bible as I go. I don’t have a schedule for this I just read a chapter each time I sit down and right now I’m in Ezekiel. If you don’t already know this, Ezekiel 37 is the story of the valley of the dry bones. (Ya know…Toe bone connected to the foot bone, Foot bone connected to the leg bone, Leg bone connected to the knee bone…you know.) I immediately perked up, having just talked with God about valleys. I read the story and it sat so well with me. Realizing each troubling factor I see in front of me is a dry bone that needs a connection, sinews, flesh, skin and the breath of life to enter and make them stand up. I wrote and wrote in my journal. I prayed and spoke out loud to Dem Bones and told them what God was going to do to them, just like Ezekiel did. I spoke to the wind that carries the breath of life and I saw it all taking shape in front of me. The unseen and uncontrollable becoming subject to the Word of the Lord is what Jesus accomplished on the stormy sea and what the disciples experienced at Pentecost. We do not chase the wind…the wind brings the breath of life to us.
I didn’t hear a rushing mighty wind blow through the room and I didn’t see any miracles take place in front of my eyes. But I walked through the rest of my day without crying once. I mean…it just released me from that grief that seemed to be weighing down on me. I didn’t feel almighty and triumphant, but I felt just fine…and that was a relief.
Another thing that was helpful yesterday was praise and worship. It struck me that a valley or canyon is a great place to shout out the goodness of God because it bounces back to me so clearly. Echos of His glory reverberating for me and anybody else who happens to be moping in the area. Even before I was able to read my Bible I was singing and the song that inexplicably kept coming out of my mouth was an old children’s praise from years ago…“Oh Say but I’m Glad, I’m Glad…Oh say but I’m Glad!” I wasn’t looking for glad songs but the Holy Spirit was at work and prompted me to sing even when I wasn’t aware I was doing it.
I’m thankful today. As I look back on things over the past several months I see that God has encouraged me month by month, week by week and day by day. Confirming first that He sees me, then that he’s present with me and leading me and finally that there are good things to come. It’s good to be a child of such a Father.
that is really good stuff, Mary, thanks for sharing it with us!
I know that grief of which you speak so, so very well. Thank you for being honest. I love that you take pen to paper when you need to – I do the very same thing. Sort of like making lists (as you were tweeting earlier), something about pouring it out unburdens you. And pouring it out to the Father? Even better.