I don’t often struggle with identity issues. My identity in Christ, that sort of thing. However, I have recently gotten way off in my head about where I’m headed.
I don’t know if the rest of you are like this, or if it’s just my mind that follows tangents now and then and drags my entire body along with it. I seem to get caught up in an idea, a concept, a form of identity that I would like to be. It’s very subtle and if you asked me who I am and what I’m going for in life I would answer you correctly. It’s just that I let my imagination pursue other goals while the logical part of me isn’t looking. Sooner or later I end up bouncing back and forth between real life and the silliness of thinking I can be another person too and I end up quite worn out. For the sake of fun I’m going to call this other person Alta.
The night before last I was lying in bed and the ideas that were streaming in for Alta to do for the rest of the week were keeping me up. Alta is very creative you see, and can only focus on pattern, method and color. She has no ability to think logically when there are visions in her head. She only knows she must create them or she will burn away inside. Not only that, she must have a studio to create them in and she must, absolutely must, become famous for her genius. She knows what she is capable of, but has no concept of the time it takes to do those things. She craves the sea of fabrics she finds on the internet, she composes melodious pieces of clothing, accessories and home decor that sing to her once they come together in her mind. She sees herself as happy and accomplished, calm and productive…but it is only madness.
I am sick to death of her.
Alta has interrupted too much. I cannot help but like her, I just cannot allow her to confuse who I really am.
I know who I am, and I know what God has called me to do, I think the justification comes when I believe that I can be who God has called me to be and Alta can come along on the side. What part of being “sold-out” includes an alter ego?
I hope that you find this funny with me and aren’t contemplating making a call to Parthenon to see if they have a room open. I don’t hear voices or have conversations with Alta when the boys are napping. I am content when I am focused and Alta simply represents all the parts of me that refuse to grow up. I think I have been playing a game in my head, refusing to believe that the years I’ve spent, now limit the years I have left. My mind wants to be 18 again and believe that any road is open to me that I choose. It is not so, and I do not wish for the uncertainty that open roads bring. I only want the straight and narrow. In the mean time I am learning to discern between what my creativity can handle and what is superfluous scheming. It is always the motive. Do I create to express and share, do I create to build up others? Or do I create to perform and build up myself? If it is performance it must be laid to rest and possibly even forgotten. I am finding that is much easier to do than I thought.
One new idea I have had this morning is starting to make the corners of my mouth turn up and I wonder if it wouldn’t be a lot of fun. Instead of allowing Alta to pine away with her calico madness, what if she simply published the ideas she has in her head? Instead of allowing her visions of grandeur to create discontent in my own head, I could share them with the world in a new part of this blog. Like Limerick Friday, I could schedule a day of the week to publish Alta’s ideas that I will not (at least not any time soon) pursue myself. It could be “Calico Madness Monday,” or “Alta Ego Wednesday.” I’m not sure how I should share them either. It is impossible to take snap shots in one’s brain. Oh, that it were possible. (Be still Alta!) Anyway…I’ll have to think about it more before I let Alta loose on the internet.
I hesitate to put down the things I think for the whole world to see but I’ll be a bit adventurous here. I think the straight and narrow are for an anchor to hold us on the way but we are fearfully and wonderfully made. For some reason in our minds, in mine anyway, we are always between 18 and 30. We are always creative although I know the “things” created are limited by time and I may not have enough of it to enjoy what is created. But I think to let the mind be what it is, is a good thing but to also let God be who He is, is better. I wonder how my mother, who is 95 and holding, how her mind is now. Is she creative?? I know she wants to know what is going on around her and she still wants to be in control of that. Life can be so “PONDERFUL”
Were I to call the authorities on you, dear, they would have to take me in first. I understand full, full well what you’re talking about. I generally call it “my own special brand of crazy.” And I, for one, think that an Alta Ego weekly blog post would be a fantastic outlet for poor Alta. She would receive the recognition she craves via the comments section, the relief she craves by getting the ideas out of her head, and the secret hope of halting time’s progress by being able to access today’s thoughts forevermore thanks to the internet 🙂
Ha! Alta was my grandmother’s name- Alta Mae. I feel that creative insanity at times too but thankfully (or not) my practical side kicks in sooner rather than later.
I concur with Christy. And I think that sometimes we carry over that adolescent thought that thirty is “so old” or that at 40 your life is over. When in reality once kids are grown and need less supervision, it leaves so much room for “open road” types of things. Lots of people start businesses and such after the mommy-hood days are over. This precious (but all-consuming) season doesn’t last forever. So yeah, write them all down and then maybe one day…who knows?
I understand Alta. Most of my impatient moments, my frustrated moments, my frazzled moments are when I am “swimming upstream” trying to be all that my mind can think up- but not necessarily doing all that has been assigned me by my Creator. The reward of working steadily in one’s proper assignment, is peace and satisfaction, and contentment. It is kind of a curse, though, to have the ideas flow like mad while our hands are tied, huh? I like Amy’s idea- writing it down and maybe revisiting it years from now.
It must be really hard to be so creative and not have the time to express it – but just remind yourself as Amy said, that the years will fly by and it will be much too soon that Aron is in school and you will have wonderful time on your hands. Then i know you will thrill the world with your creations!