I have realized over the past several months that most of my stress in life can be attributed to unmet expectations. I often idealistically place my expectations of others far above what they aught to be and then find myself distressed because things are not going as I think they should.
For instance: I am not getting upset and freaked out over Ivan peeing in his pants like I was. I had placed my expectations of potty training way too high. When he did not act as I thought he should (or as Owen did) I allowed his accidents to be labeled my failure and became angry at him and myself.
Since taking a break from potty training and taking it back up again this month I have realized a more appropriate level of expectation for Ivan and when accidents have happened they have not upset me for the most part. That doesn’t mean he can just get away with it, but it doesn’t ruin my day like it did. I’m pretty certain that my reaction was only discouraging him as well, and his lack of progress is probably related in part to my frustration.
I also related this expectation level to driving this morning. I have many times left right on time to pick Owen up from school, only to be slightly delayed and even made late by other motorists who do not share my affinity for road rules. Today was one of those days. I found myself grinding my teeth as I followed (trying not to tailgate) a gentlemen (I use that word loosely) who felt that his time on the phone was more important than the safety and urgency of any other driver on the road. He was weaving and crossing the line and driving 10 mph below the posted speed limit (which was only 40 in the first place). Now as wrong as this man was to not only slow me down but also to endanger himself and others, my reaction in getting stressed about it was not necessary. By staying behind him at a safe distance I was not in danger, I wasn’t even late in picking up Owen. When I boiled it down…I was angry and frustrated because I expect people to drive in a manner that is conscientious of others. If I had lowered my expectation of this man, I would have had a much more peaceful Tuesday morning drive.
I think I have done this all of my life and I am often disappointed. I too often believe people who lie, think well of people who cheat and look for the best in people who have poor intentions. I want people to think the best of me, so why wouldn’t I do the same for them?
Because it makes me crazy when they betray my expectations…that’s why!
Just as I am coming to this realization today I happened to be standing in line at the post office and as usual people around me are commenting on the wiles and woes of having THREE BOYS! People immediately assume that three boys as close in age as ours are means trouble. They often comment on how well behaved they are which I appreciate and allow a little credit to soak in, but also assure people that we are blessed with boys born with calm demeanor and therefore cannot accept all the accolades for their less than rotten behavior. As this explanation was being vocalized today the two women with which I was conversing both had things to say. One acknowledged my “calm” comment by saying…”just wait.” While the other chose to be philosophical and explained that if I simply expected my boys to be heathens I would save myself a lot of stress because they surely would be heathens and therefore I would not be disappointed.
I outwardly chuckled at her comment, while inwardly remarking how interesting that today of all days I would hear support for lowering my expectations from a stranger at the post office. However, I immediately rejected her rather bold comments regardless of their relation to my own theory. I cannot be so easily dissuaded in thinking the best of my boys. Yes, they will be boys, they will make mistakes and they will disappoint me, but not all disappointment should be avoided. Some of it has to happen for the sake of learning and growing both for them and for me. If I have only poor expectations of those I love and have authority and influence over, I may live in peace with my expectations, but I will lose out on a lot of triumph. I immediately sized up the woman who made that comment as a lazy parent, and fully expect that should I ever meet her children they will prove to be of the most unscrupulous character.
I expect my boys to excel, to thrive and to become even more than what I am. I expect them to fail now and then, but I refuse to expect them to live in that failure. Isn’t that what a “heathen” is? I expect them to act like gentlemen as they grow older, not like rascals. The statement, “boys will be boys” will be enjoyed for it’s humor and it’s reflection of an adventurous spirit, but will not be an excuse for a less than Godly character.
So…I guess what I’ve learned is that expectations of people I have no control over is a pretty futile and stress inducing exercise that is not worth my time. While expectations of people who I care deeply for and have a vested interest in, is worth my high ideals. My stress level can therefore be controlled based on individual circumstances and a realistic approach to disappointment and failure.
It sounds so simple…I hope I can live up to that.
Excellent. I totally get that. For me, it’s all directed at myself, though. My main source of stress and disappointment comes from not being able to do and be all that I feel I should. Alas. I will always fail myself.
And I tend toward the same attitude you do with my children. I’m often complimented on their behavior and I always defer to God – he just handed me some really good ones. But I really do despise strangers who project their expectations (good or bad) onto my children. I offer them the respect of having no expectation (since I don’t know them) and I wish they’d just offer me the same.
I wholeheartedly agree. Although I’m less than gracious than you and Christy. I was in Home Depot and Chloe and I were in the bathroom. Chloe was saying “Mommy, I love you so much, you’re the bestest mom ever. I love you Mommy”. To which a woman in the next stall replied “Honey, just wait a few years and you will fall from grace (chuckle) you will *faaalll* from grace”. I immediately assumed she was a bitter old wench that had rotten children and I wanted to punch her in the nose. But I didn’t 🙂 And of course she has no idea that I’ve already raised a daughter to adult hood that still loves me and while we’re not perfect, I have by no means fallen from grace.
Keep up the good work, I happen to know that your boys aren’t heathens and I’m sure that they never will be. Yes, you just wait for your three boys to grow up to be godly, spirit filled men that do great things. I’m expecting that.