Beautiful

It’s dark and quiet here. I personally sent each one to bed tonight. First it was the warm forehead and bright pink cheeks of little Ivan. His fevered little body was warm and he clung to me pressing my shirt against my skin uncomfortably due to the very recent deposit of baby spit up from Aron. He held on until I set him on the bathroom sink vanity to brush his teeth and then he held on again. Owen joined us in their room and we sat on the floor and prayed together. I prayed extra long as my list was extended through the day, but they were patient. Ivan’s little fingers as tightly intertwined in the prayer clutch as he could get them and Owen with bowed head but open eyes fingering the carpet around his knees. They didn’t interrupt as they have often done I think realizing the serious tone in my pleas for the Great Physicians intervention in our home. When I coaxed them to bed Ivan was grateful. He giggled under his quilts and said “I yuh you” twice. Owen was his usual negotiating self, filling his arms full of stuffed animals until he was unable to climb the ladder to his top bunk on his own. I lifted him and didn’t even bother with the usual admonitions…he knows the routine and usually follows it as he did tonight. I know he played and I know it took a while for him to sleep but he was quiet and didn’t disturb his brothers.

As soon as I was confident that I had a moment I soaked in a very hot tub and read a chapter of an old book I pulled out recently. It’s not a novel, but has me wanting more with each chapter. I relaxed in the warmth and quiet but knew my day was not over yet. I returned to Kris’ side to see if there was anything else he needed. He was stretched out on the couch and too tired to really know what he wanted so I suggested a few things but mostly encouraged him to go to bed. About that same time Aron started crying for one last feeding and I brought him to the comfy chair to quiet him. Kris found his way to bed and I watched just a little more television while I was captive to a sitting position. I laid Aron down awake and he grabbed at his sheets and moved around a little but never cried. He wanted to be in his bed and fell asleep quickly. I could still hear Owen interacting with his “friends” in his bed but his voice was low and I knew he would tire soon.

I was about to go to bed and decided that I couldn’t pass up a little me time. So I sat by myself, munched on a few crackers and dried mango and watched TV. I could have been a little more productive if I had grabbed the book again or better yet my Bible, but I was feeling rather selfish after a somewhat rough day on my emotions and I wanted to be entertained.

At 10:00 I headed back upstairs to go to bed but stopped off in the boys room first to listen to them breathing. I know their rhythms. Ivan’s loud and shorter breaths sounded a little extra labored because of a runny nose and Owen’s oh so quiet extended breathing can barely be heard from his perch. He had nestled himself in the farthest corner of the bed before he gave in to sleep. I listened for a while and then felt myself giving in to my emotions. I wanted to pray but couldn’t think what to say so I leaned my head against the rail of the loft bed and let the Holy Spirit have His way. As the words flowed with my tears I closed my eyes and suddenly felt embraced by soft fabrics with velvet overlay and silk trimmings. I could see patterns and colors and richness, like I was watching Him dress the room in the most desirable and perfect of coverings. I raised my head and said out loud to Him…”and their rest is in your hands, and their joy, and their peace and their comfort and healing, and their future and all that they are…is in your hands. All day they’ve been coming to me for what only you can give them and I give them back to you.” It was the first time in a long time that I forgot what I looked like. Standing there in that room I felt beautiful. I didn’t feel the extra pounds, I forgot about the gray hairs and the less than perky features, I felt like I was standing there in those beautiful fabrics and I was young and light and free.

I decided that I should write about it while I still remember it because tomorrow this will be a very distant memory and I’ll probably read and think I sound really cheesy. But right now it’s okay. In fact…as I’m typing this I just remembered what I prayed with my boys before they got in their beds. I prayed Isaiah’s words…they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint. That’s what He gave me…I was renewed.

Now I should go to bed.