Better By Morning

After posting last night I still had a long way until morning. Kris and I listened and debated what to do with our little wheezing baby. Of course it got worse as night fell and I began to get scared. Should I take him to the ER? I really didn’t want to do that. At one point I decided to try sitting up with him thinking that an upright position would help him breath more freely. He did do much better that way but let it be known about 30 minutes later that the bed was where he wanted to be. His cough was almost constant so we did end up giving him a bit of over-the-counter medicine for that and he did stop coughing for a few hours which I think helped him with his breathing as well. I was a wreck. Now, from where I slept I couldn’t hear the coughing which was my only signal that he was actually breathing at all. I had prayed earlier and told God that I needed Him to care for Ivan, I gave Ivan over to God and asked Him to be his Father. I told Him that I trusted Him and that I would do whatever He told me to do. Would you believe that God told me to go to bed and then challenged my earlier resignation? “If you trust me…don’t check on him.”

What?! How can I sleep? I struggled, but believed I had heard from God, and that it was more important that I be obedient and show my trust than to worry over my baby and hover over his bed every thirty minutes. For me, and I’m sure I’m not the only one, when the lights go out and I am tired it is much harder to control my emotions. I was in anguish, and finally got up and physically knelt to pray for peace if I was going to be obedient. I seriously felt like Ivan could die in those moments. How could I just lie in bed and not make sure that he was still breathing? I finally resigned my position and let God be God…telling myself all the true things about God’s love, His power, His mercy, His constant care was not what helped me. I had to resign to His position. He is King and I had to obey. It was strange, but all the other stuff became believable when I submitted to Him as LORD. I laid my head on my pillow and I slept. Ivan did wake up about three times, crying and I went to him to comfort him, give him his pacifier and cover him up again. Each time, his forehead felt a little cooler, his breathing a bit more peaceful until at 4:00 a.m. he was cool and his breathing just slightly heavy. I felt victorious. I felt like I could now trust God for anything. It was as if I had to leave Ivan with Him for the night and not interrupt whatever process God was using to make him better and I felt truly grateful for His care.

Ivan was still a bit ill all day today but leaps and bounds better than yesterday. No fever today and his breathing, though heavy, was never bad enough to cause me concern. He just sounded congested. He didn’t cough as much, didn’t need as much attention and even laughed a few times. I laid him in his crib with confidence tonight, knowing that His heavenly Daddy would be watching over him constantly.

So, you may be wondering what Kris was doing all this time. Kris, has a gift for not worrying. I know part of that is just being male, but I think he really has a unique trust level that I’m envious of. He was willing to go to the ER if I thought it was necessary but once we prayed together over Ivan, he just laid down and was out in moments. All my self-induced torture was handled quietly nearby. He left very early this morning for a breakfast meeting and then left this afternoon for Boston so we have yet to have a real conversation and he will hear of my emotional weakness along with anyone else reading my rantings. Probably smirking and shaking his head as he reads. Worry is not something I can be talked out of Baby…I have to pray my way out. Don’t laugh at me.